On Becoming a Stay At Home Mom...Sort Of

Well, not really. Not exactly. The title of this post should really be "on becoming a more present and fulfilled mom and what that means to me...what does it mean to you?" but that title was entirely too long. I started another post and it ended up being almost 2 pages so far of what led me to this decision...it was practically a reflection on the past 15 years of my life and all of the decisions I've made, or didn't make, and how that has truly shaped where I stand today and the choices going into this decision. Honestly, none of that is important and can be left unsaid. The important piece is below... and I apologize in advance for the utter stream of consciousness this post will be. Sometimes just allowing the verbal explosion of thoughts is cathartic.

For the record, I should first state that the definition of "present and fulfilled mom" will be different for all of us. As it should be. And each definition should be held in the highest regard and respect. If for you that means you work 80+ hours a week and have a rock star nanny to help you with the kids...you rock. If that means you stay at home and do a daily developmental activity from scratch from Pinterest week in and week out, I admire you. Seriously. For many of us, our definition will fall somewhere in between. And it will be conflicted with what we think we should be doing, or can be doing, or what our mother's generation told us to do. Some of us will be constrained by finances or other roadblocks and we may not have the flexibility to make certain decisions (right now anyway) and some of us will enjoy flexibility to sort of figure it out as we go along. Currently, I'm fortunate enough to have some flexibility to take some risks and try some things on for size. Although, not without adjustment to our lifestyle and that is scary as hell.

Now to clarify, I am not becoming a stay at home mom in the strictest sense of the definition...at all really since a large part of this change still involves me being employed. Honestly, I admire those of you that can do it...I would go insane. I know my limits. I love my child (t-minus 3 weeks until I get to say children) but I know that to be the best mom I can be, they can't be my SOLE focus. But here's the thing, I want more than to go to work full time in a career I don't love, missing valuable time with my children, and wasting more time NOT pursuing other career goals that I have. Essentially I want it all. And after telling myself for far too long that I can't have it all or getting cold feet and being too scared to commit to the change, I'm going all in. I have Andrew's blessing and I'm cashing in my chips. For real this time.

After Connor was born I had this incredibly visceral, instinctual reaction that I needed to, and should, spend more time with him. Never once have I heard an elderly patient of mine saying "I wish I busted my ass at work more". It's always, "I should have spent more time focused on my family, it goes too fast". It was sickening to have to spend 40+ hours a week away from him. We love our sitter but I didn't have kids to have someone else raise them. That's just me. Again, if that's what works for you I'm not criticizing. In general, I get to spend maybe a solid 20 quality minutes with him in the morning and then a cranky two hours at night...most of which is spent commuting home, half-assedly interacting with him as I try to prepare dinner and ignore other to-do list items, try to play with him when he's at his worst (cranky and tired) only to have bath and bed time by 8pm sneak up on us. I see my kid on the weekends essentially.

My strong desire to be more present in his life is VERY conflicted with what for many years has been a strong need to feel professionally accomplished. I'm Type A. I'm a do-er, an overachiever, pretty solid academically, and motivated by achievement and recognition. I had a rocky start (ok only a semester but still) freshman year of college finding my footing in a major I could get behind and dedicate myself passionately too. After changing my major to Speech Pathology at the time, I thought I'd found it, and in a way I did. I love the field I ultimately chose at it's core. I loved the opportunity to combine my interest in science and healthcare with the ability to help people...improve lives, change lives. Unfortunately, it doesn't always work out like that. In fact, while there are certainly aspects I still love and that are very fulfilling, I've become more and more disillusioned with the politics and patients who just don't buy into the service you're providing. I can't put my finger on why. Often, I've tried to self reflect and consider that maybe it's my attitude. My heart isn't always 100% in it...but I try extremely hard to never bring that to work. At home I have a pity party about it but I always give 110% of myself to my patients because it's what the deserve. Still doesn't change that I'm ready to find fulfillment elsewhere as I've discovered new interests, passions, and priorities.

All of this is terrifying on several levels. Our peer network is mostly made up of professionals...I'm talking many of us hold advanced degrees. I don't know why, but I'm almost embarrassed to admit sometimes that my Master's doesn't define me. Actually, once upon a time I thought I wanted a million more letters after my name and then I just realized that that is all they are...letters. Those credentials can NOT be the only definition of you as a person or your accomplishments and worth. Impressive, sure. All of us put a ton of hard work and sacrifice into obtaining our educations and I'm a better person in many ways for it. But, if I don't choose to use my credentials in the strictest sense of the word...that has to be ok. I'm not going to obsess about being judged. Actually, I'm probably the only one judging me. I really need to nix that negative self talk when I fall into the trap of "what are people going to think about me...I have a Master's degree...they're going to be horrified that I'd in many ways give that up to spend time with my kids and teach people fitness". Honestly, if you think I'm wasting my life then that's on you. I'm finally (almost anyway) at peace with it. Money doesn't buy you happiness and neither do a bunch of letters after your last name. And if they do for you...then ok. Not judging. But that's your thing...this is how I'm at peace with finding fulfillment.

What is important to me at this point is striking a balance between being more present and involved in the raising of my kids and also setting an example that hard work and achievement are also good things. I grew up with two successful parents who worked full time. My brother and I are truly none worse the wear for it...in fact, I'm still not entirely sure how they worked so much and remained so present...it is possible. But I'm just not sure that I want to follow exactly the same model. There are other ways. It is very important to me that my Mom set an amazing example for me, as her daughter, on what it meant to be a professional woman who could balance achievement and family. But it came with sacrifice. She wasn't always able to be involved in certain things for my brother and I. She was often conflicted on how to manage immense pressures from the politics and work at her job (she was in healthcare too...toxic place healthcare is) with deciding when to say no and keep her focus on enjoying family and personal time. Watching her navigate these decisions taught me very valuable lessons. It also taught me that there are other ways which are equally admirable and correct. Ultimately, I hope to be on a path to more balance with being present for my family and demonstrating for my children that hard work, sacrifice, and using work to make a contribution to your family and society are all important and can be done in equal measure.

Here is the other piece that is terrifying...the financial aspect. This is probably my biggest hang up. Andrew and I were both extremely fortunate to have landed fairly solid, lucrative jobs in lucrative career fields right out of college. Neither of us held any real debt, student or otherwise, and we were almost immediately flush with cash and disposable income. While I've never really identified as overly "spendy", I typically didn't want for anything. If I wanted a nice new hand bag, I bought it. If Andrew wanted a new gadget, he got it. Wanted to head down to the condo in Cayman for 4 days...we bought plane tickets. Two week trip to see friends who live in Asia with stops in Vietnam and Dubai...$3k in plane tickets later...we were off! Not to mention we are able to save like crazy! And now... my cutting back to part-time or fewer hours is nearly cutting our income by half. Well not quite, but it feels close! Add on top of that the expenses of two kids and I'm sweating. This is very difficult and we are honestly not materialistic people. Yes we've enjoyed a few splurges but they certainly don't define us or are we desperate to have them. It's just stressful to go from disposable income to actually needing to pay attention to bills, stick to a budget, plan for purchases, and even avoid spending on things that can't be identified as a necessity. We've been over, and over, and over the numbers and it works...but not without planning. Thankfully, our only debt is our house and our new car payment so that helps, but let me tell you, those other expenditures add up...and they aren't necessarily bills we can cut in any significant way. (PS, I know it's a question I've had, and that many now have for me...and that is "how can this be done!"... I'll do another post soon on some basics of how we looked at our finances and lifestyle to plan for this change and decide we were able to try it. I'd actually like to chat more about this decision making process in that separate post so I'm going to leave it at that for now.)

Ultimately, scaling way back on my hours as a full time SLP (I'm talking like part time or less) not only affords me the opportunity to still have career and financial stability to support my family (since I'm not stopping work altogether) and score more time with my children...but it also allows me time that I would not otherwise have available to pursue efforts towards a goal which is to change my career entirely. I am very serious when I say that my 10 year plan is to switch gears and pursue a career in something health and fitness related...likely full time! I'm sure you're sick of hearing me mention that I love working with people to achieve their fitness goals and I very much envision working on education and credentials to be able to provide higher levels of training and education to these folks. Especially special populations such as geriatric clients or pre/post-natal clients. If there is one thing that I've learned in healthcare, it's that there is IMMENSE value in preventative action...healthy diet, physical activity, and mental and emotional health. I'd really life to be a part of that movement. It is incredibly motivating and energizing to me to get to "work" with people who are actually seeking out your services and dedicating themselves to your expertise. I've only scratched the surface a a group fitness instructor and I'm chomping at the bit to expand my influence. I also have a strong entrepreneurial spirit that I'd like to fuel and I potentially envision being able to provide these services in the form of my own business or studio. The time has come to carve out time to be able to focus on education and experience I need to make that happen. This seems like a win all around, I think.

Here's the ultimate take away. After a lot of soul searching, countless discussions with my husband on how we each view our roles and contributions to our family, timelines for our personal and professional goals, how we envision raising our children, and the general calculations of making sure we can keep our roof over our heads...we're going for it. I'm becoming a stay at home mom...sort of.

So tell me, have you made the decision to be a stay at home mom (or dad!) Have you stopped your work altogether, scaled back hours, switched gears, changed careers? What challenges did you face? What rewards are you experiencing? What was the hardest part of your decisions? I'd love to hear your experiences!