Well, not really. Not exactly. The title of this post should really be "on becoming a more present and fulfilled mom and what that means to me...what does it mean to you?" but that title was entirely too long. I started another post and it ended up being almost 2 pages so far of what led me to this decision...it was practically a reflection on the past 15 years of my life and all of the decisions I've made, or didn't make, and how that has truly shaped where I stand today and the choices going into this decision. Honestly, none of that is important and can be left unsaid. The important piece is below... and I apologize in advance for the utter stream of consciousness this post will be. Sometimes just allowing the verbal explosion of thoughts is cathartic.

For the record, I should first state that the definition of "present and fulfilled mom" will be different for all of us. As it should be. And each definition should be held in the highest regard and respect. If for you that means you work 80+ hours a week and have a rock star nanny to help you with the kids...you rock. If that means you stay at home and do a daily developmental activity from scratch from Pinterest week in and week out, I admire you. Seriously. For many of us, our definition will fall somewhere in between. And it will be conflicted with what we think we should be doing, or can be doing, or what our mother's generation told us to do. Some of us will be constrained by finances or other roadblocks and we may not have the flexibility to make certain decisions (right now anyway) and some of us will enjoy flexibility to sort of figure it out as we go along. Currently, I'm fortunate enough to have some flexibility to take some risks and try some things on for size. Although, not without adjustment to our lifestyle and that is scary as hell.

Now to clarify, I am not becoming a stay at home mom in the strictest sense of the definition...at all really since a large part of this change still involves me being employed. Honestly, I admire those of you that can do it...I would go insane. I know my limits. I love my child (t-minus 3 weeks until I get to say children) but I know that to be the best mom I can be, they can't be my SOLE focus. But here's the thing, I want more than to go to work full time in a career I don't love, missing valuable time with my children, and wasting more time NOT pursuing other career goals that I have. Essentially I want it all. And after telling myself for far too long that I can't have it all or getting cold feet and being too scared to commit to the change, I'm going all in. I have Andrew's blessing and I'm cashing in my chips. For real this time.

After Connor was born I had this incredibly visceral, instinctual reaction that I needed to, and should, spend more time with him. Never once have I heard an elderly patient of mine saying "I wish I busted my ass at work more". It's always, "I should have spent more time focused on my family, it goes too fast". It was sickening to have to spend 40+ hours a week away from him. We love our sitter but I didn't have kids to have someone else raise them. That's just me. Again, if that's what works for you I'm not criticizing. In general, I get to spend maybe a solid 20 quality minutes with him in the morning and then a cranky two hours at night...most of which is spent commuting home, half-assedly interacting with him as I try to prepare dinner and ignore other to-do list items, try to play with him when he's at his worst (cranky and tired) only to have bath and bed time by 8pm sneak up on us. I see my kid on the weekends essentially.

My strong desire to be more present in his life is VERY conflicted with what for many years has been a strong need to feel professionally accomplished. I'm Type A. I'm a do-er, an overachiever, pretty solid academically, and motivated by achievement and recognition. I had a rocky start (ok only a semester but still) freshman year of college finding my footing in a major I could get behind and dedicate myself passionately too. After changing my major to Speech Pathology at the time, I thought I'd found it, and in a way I did. I love the field I ultimately chose at it's core. I loved the opportunity to combine my interest in science and healthcare with the ability to help people...improve lives, change lives. Unfortunately, it doesn't always work out like that. In fact, while there are certainly aspects I still love and that are very fulfilling, I've become more and more disillusioned with the politics and patients who just don't buy into the service you're providing. I can't put my finger on why. Often, I've tried to self reflect and consider that maybe it's my attitude. My heart isn't always 100% in it...but I try extremely hard to never bring that to work. At home I have a pity party about it but I always give 110% of myself to my patients because it's what the deserve. Still doesn't change that I'm ready to find fulfillment elsewhere as I've discovered new interests, passions, and priorities.

All of this is terrifying on several levels. Our peer network is mostly made up of professionals...I'm talking many of us hold advanced degrees. I don't know why, but I'm almost embarrassed to admit sometimes that my Master's doesn't define me. Actually, once upon a time I thought I wanted a million more letters after my name and then I just realized that that is all they are...letters. Those credentials can NOT be the only definition of you as a person or your accomplishments and worth. Impressive, sure. All of us put a ton of hard work and sacrifice into obtaining our educations and I'm a better person in many ways for it. But, if I don't choose to use my credentials in the strictest sense of the word...that has to be ok. I'm not going to obsess about being judged. Actually, I'm probably the only one judging me. I really need to nix that negative self talk when I fall into the trap of "what are people going to think about me...I have a Master's degree...they're going to be horrified that I'd in many ways give that up to spend time with my kids and teach people fitness". Honestly, if you think I'm wasting my life then that's on you. I'm finally (almost anyway) at peace with it. Money doesn't buy you happiness and neither do a bunch of letters after your last name. And if they do for you...then ok. Not judging. But that's your thing...this is how I'm at peace with finding fulfillment.

What is important to me at this point is striking a balance between being more present and involved in the raising of my kids and also setting an example that hard work and achievement are also good things. I grew up with two successful parents who worked full time. My brother and I are truly none worse the wear for it...in fact, I'm still not entirely sure how they worked so much and remained so present...it is possible. But I'm just not sure that I want to follow exactly the same model. There are other ways. It is very important to me that my Mom set an amazing example for me, as her daughter, on what it meant to be a professional woman who could balance achievement and family. But it came with sacrifice. She wasn't always able to be involved in certain things for my brother and I. She was often conflicted on how to manage immense pressures from the politics and work at her job (she was in healthcare too...toxic place healthcare is) with deciding when to say no and keep her focus on enjoying family and personal time. Watching her navigate these decisions taught me very valuable lessons. It also taught me that there are other ways which are equally admirable and correct. Ultimately, I hope to be on a path to more balance with being present for my family and demonstrating for my children that hard work, sacrifice, and using work to make a contribution to your family and society are all important and can be done in equal measure.

Here is the other piece that is terrifying...the financial aspect. This is probably my biggest hang up. Andrew and I were both extremely fortunate to have landed fairly solid, lucrative jobs in lucrative career fields right out of college. Neither of us held any real debt, student or otherwise, and we were almost immediately flush with cash and disposable income. While I've never really identified as overly "spendy", I typically didn't want for anything. If I wanted a nice new hand bag, I bought it. If Andrew wanted a new gadget, he got it. Wanted to head down to the condo in Cayman for 4 days...we bought plane tickets. Two week trip to see friends who live in Asia with stops in Vietnam and Dubai...$3k in plane tickets later...we were off! Not to mention we are able to save like crazy! And now... my cutting back to part-time or fewer hours is nearly cutting our income by half. Well not quite, but it feels close! Add on top of that the expenses of two kids and I'm sweating. This is very difficult and we are honestly not materialistic people. Yes we've enjoyed a few splurges but they certainly don't define us or are we desperate to have them. It's just stressful to go from disposable income to actually needing to pay attention to bills, stick to a budget, plan for purchases, and even avoid spending on things that can't be identified as a necessity. We've been over, and over, and over the numbers and it works...but not without planning. Thankfully, our only debt is our house and our new car payment so that helps, but let me tell you, those other expenditures add up...and they aren't necessarily bills we can cut in any significant way. (PS, I know it's a question I've had, and that many now have for me...and that is "how can this be done!"... I'll do another post soon on some basics of how we looked at our finances and lifestyle to plan for this change and decide we were able to try it. I'd actually like to chat more about this decision making process in that separate post so I'm going to leave it at that for now.)

Ultimately, scaling way back on my hours as a full time SLP (I'm talking like part time or less) not only affords me the opportunity to still have career and financial stability to support my family (since I'm not stopping work altogether) and score more time with my children...but it also allows me time that I would not otherwise have available to pursue efforts towards a goal which is to change my career entirely. I am very serious when I say that my 10 year plan is to switch gears and pursue a career in something health and fitness related...likely full time! I'm sure you're sick of hearing me mention that I love working with people to achieve their fitness goals and I very much envision working on education and credentials to be able to provide higher levels of training and education to these folks. Especially special populations such as geriatric clients or pre/post-natal clients. If there is one thing that I've learned in healthcare, it's that there is IMMENSE value in preventative action...healthy diet, physical activity, and mental and emotional health. I'd really life to be a part of that movement. It is incredibly motivating and energizing to me to get to "work" with people who are actually seeking out your services and dedicating themselves to your expertise. I've only scratched the surface a a group fitness instructor and I'm chomping at the bit to expand my influence. I also have a strong entrepreneurial spirit that I'd like to fuel and I potentially envision being able to provide these services in the form of my own business or studio. The time has come to carve out time to be able to focus on education and experience I need to make that happen. This seems like a win all around, I think.

Here's the ultimate take away. After a lot of soul searching, countless discussions with my husband on how we each view our roles and contributions to our family, timelines for our personal and professional goals, how we envision raising our children, and the general calculations of making sure we can keep our roof over our heads...we're going for it. I'm becoming a stay at home mom...sort of.

So tell me, have you made the decision to be a stay at home mom (or dad!) Have you stopped your work altogether, scaled back hours, switched gears, changed careers? What challenges did you face? What rewards are you experiencing? What was the hardest part of your decisions? I'd love to hear your experiences! 

Friday Favorites

Happy Friday!

I am officially on maternity leave. No, I have not had the baby yet...technically t-minus 3 weeks. The time came to officially slow down. I've had some symptoms that make it too difficult to be running around a hospital all day and I think I am very legitimately on the verge of exhaustion. I have NOT been sleeping. When I am able to sleep it's for brief stretches and uncomfortably. I keep reminding myself I'm not exactly going to be getting a whole lot of sleep in the coming months. The difference is, when I'm comfortable and not dealing with heartburn, back pain, and needing to pee every 9 seconds, I can get better quality sleep even if just for 2-3 hour stretches. I'm almost looking forward to the sleeplessness WITH baby than without.

Anyway, I'm not feeling too hot today so sent the kiddo to daycare and laying low at home. Of course, I barely slept last night so just cat napping and trying to pre-write a few blog posts. I'd like to try to keep up with the blog a few times per week when baby comes so I'm brainstorming ideas and jotting a few notes and getting some posts started to make it easier.

I also decided to hop on the "friday favorites" bandwagon. I follow quite a few blogs and I always look forward to these posts. It's fun to discover something new...seriously, bloggers will post reviews, experiences, and links to products, other blogs, workouts, recipes, travel destinations, you name it. I always discover something cool so why not contribute to the movement!

Rodan & Fields Skin Care: 
I have a handful of women in my network that rep the Rodan & Fields skin care line. I'd never really considered the need for a more clinical skin care regimen but after awhile I couldn't ignore the Facebook posts and results being shared. Not too long ago I looked in the mirror and I looked...tired. I self admittedly get too much sun and after turning the big 3-0 I couldn't ignore little lines and dullness that were becoming more obvious. My friend Alexa started repping the line so I figured the time was right to try the product and support her! She sent me link to their online skin questionnaire where you are guided through a series of questions regarding your skin type, problem areas, etc. Based on the results they recommend the product line that would best serve your skin care needs. I won't go into the details of each line here but my results revealed that I would benefit from the Reverse Regimen with the AMP MD Roller. To find out the best regimen for you, head over to my Alexa's Rodan & Fields business page to get started.

The regimen consists of 3-4 steps. I love the fresh, clean smell of the product too. Twice per day, morning and evening, I use the Deep Exfoliating Wash, Intensive Brightening Toner, and the Dual Action Brightening Complex (for this step, you mix a pea size amount of the retinol and vitamin C complex creams and apply). In the morning, I use the Broad Spectrum SPF 50 Sunscreen and at night I use the Redefine Multi-Function Eye Cream. 2-3 times per week I use the AMP MD Roller at night.  I typically HATE face lotion with sunscreen even though I know it's a must but this product is AMAZING. Doesn't leave a pore-clogging greasy feel and melts right into your skin.

Verdict. I LOVE it. My skin has never looked better. And you are just going to have to take my word for it because I'm HORRIBLE at remembering to do all those before and after photos. After just 3-4 weeks, my skins texture has improved, my freckles have lightened some, and my skin looks brighter. The real bench mark was being able to use the BareMinerals foundation that's been sitting in my makeup kit unused. It never provided enough coverage but after I felt like I started seeing results with my new skin care, I decided to give it a try and it looks flawless. I've even ventured out of the house without make up on. I'd like to think I'm not that vain but my skin always looked a little blotchy and uneven so I always felt a little more confident with some concealer and/or foundation. Now I can wear nothing, or just hide a few trouble spots with concealer. I still like to wear make-up but now I can wear a lot less and get better results from different products too. As an aside, the AMP MD roller is really cool. It uses the concept of micro-needling. I won't go into that here, but check out this video to learn more:


It doesn't hurt...feels a little funny, but I swear it's enhanced my results. I also received a free Redefine Multi-Function Eye Cream as it was a promotion when I purchased my kit. Love it. I use it at night and it's really helped my tired eyes.

I'll leave you with my only con. Price. I'm typically not afraid of a splurge...I probably spend more than I should on most things, but I cringe a little at the $175 price tag for the whole regimen. For the record, it lasts approximately 3 months. I just received my second shipment and I probably still have about another month left of current product so I'll be delaying my next shipment until the beginning of the summer...a little product does go a long way, but still. We are looking to really examine our budget as I'm no longer working full time and splurges like this may need to go, no matter how great it's making my skin look! For the record, I signed up for the PC Perks program for a one time fee of $19.95. Enrollment gives you 10% off all products, free shipping, and access to special customer promotions.

Wow, that got long. Here's two other brief Friday Favs.

Busting Fitness Myths: 
The other day, Laura queried the ambassadors in our Girls Gone Sporty Facebook group to chime in on exercise myths that just won't die. I offered that I'm tired of hearing myths surrounding exercise and pregnancy. While prenatal fitness is a special situation and should be planned and executed in conjunction with your physician, most healthy, non-high risk, pregnant women can and should safely engage in exercise with modifications. There are SO MANY benefits and Laura did a great job summarizing this and many other myths. Check it out: Girls Gone Sporty Article: 18 Annoying Fitness Myths that Just Won't Die 

Oreos:
What do you want from me. I'm irritable. And pregnant. #notcleaneating #justafew #akathewholepackage? #idontcare #delish.

What are you loving on this fabulous Friday? Any cool finds lately?

Changes

I must have started a post on the following points 3 different times tonight. There is A LOT I want to say about the decision making process that has gone into each of these things. After many discussions with the worlds most supportive husband, desperate prayer, and cold feet nearly every five minutes (I swear I change my mind on these things almost daily)...I have finally accepted that deep down in my gut and in my heart these decisions are worth committing too. What is it they say...to get big rewards you have to take big risks? While I'm not sure any of these things qualify as "big risks" they are definitely outside of my comfort zone.

Anyway, because I have flip-flopped more than a bad politician on committing to some of these goals and decisions, I'm officially putting them out there to remain accountable to myself and my goals for family and personal fulfillment. I have a great cheering squad led by my fantastic husband and all my chips are in. Pray for me in 2015...I'm already excited, scared, challenged, unsure, energized, fearful, and triumphant. I'm using the impending birth of our slightly unexpected new addition to begin to turn over a new leaf completely. I live by the band-aide rule...generally. I'm a big proponent of just ripping it off. Put your big girl panties on and take some risks. Time to put my money where my mouth is. 

Here's what I'm up to:

I'm (OFFICIALLY THIS TIME) no longer working as a full time Speech Pathologist. I will be working essentially part-time hours most weeks as a per diem therapist. Money and titles are not all they are cracked up to be and I've never been overly passionate about my career choice. I often just have to tell myself I am to survive another day. I'm done with management and healthcare in general. The only thing that keeps me energized are amazing co-workers (I've generally lucked out here) and the occasional patient who worships the ground you walk on...most of the rest don't seem to care about what I can do for them. I've said a million and one times that the most fulfilling hours of my week are when I get feedback from my group fitness participants. You are all so generous in telling me that I've made a positive impact in your lives. Truly brings me to my knees in gratitude. It's amazing how leading a simple group fitness class can change someones life for the better. I have RARELY received that fulfillment or felt like I've been able to make that impact with patients I've worked with. Go figure.

I will be spending more time as a hands on mom with my boys. I'm excited to try new activities with them and be able to participate in activities that other moms and kiddos are doing during the day that I haven't been able to participate in such as music classes, play groups, and creative endeavors. 

I will be pursuing my personal training certification as well as some additional group exercise certifications. In doing so, I hope to add more classes to my roster and hopefully take on some personal training clients by years end. I plan to continue to slowly transition to a career in health and wellness. I would love to begin working more closely with special populations with a special focus on pre and post natal fitness which has become a true passion of mine. My long term goal is to own my own fitness studio or training center...we're talking 10 year plan here...so 2015 marks the moment when I will begin to take some serious steps towards educating myself in all aspects of the field. I hope to find opportunities where I can continue to learn about business and marketing as well. I have discovered I have an entrepreneurial spirit and it's really a long game to find success...so time to fuel the fire.

Finally, I would love to continue to grow my blog and health coaching business to support these goals. I'm looking forward to building a community here and participating more in the online health and fitness blogging community at large. I would love to parlay the work I do on my personal blog into potential local or national opportunities for writing or contributing health and wellness material to various publications, initiatives, events, etc. 

I'm so excited and so fortunate to be able to have the flexibility to try this on for size. The most important aspect is that, while many of these goals will keep me busy, this approach affords me the opportunity to have more flexibility to be present and involved with my kids which is paramount to me. I didn't realize how important that would be to me until I had Connor. I still want to feel fulfilled and make a contribution but family comes first right now.

So, pray for me! While I'm terrified, I have a feeling 2015 is going to be an amazing and eye opening year. I'll share more about what led me to these decisions over the next several weeks...not that I'm so delusional as to think you're actually interested...mostly because the posts I have started about it are sort of cathartic for me and have helped me officially process and accept these challenges and decisions. And, they may help you too. I know for me, it's nice to hear about what makes someone else tick or to hear about how they reached certain decisions. Many times there is camaraderie in knowing someone is going through a similar decision making process as you and we can receive energy, ideas, and reassurance from their story. So maybe mind will help you. 

Now, tell me. What BIG scary decisions are you making this year? Have you ever taken a big risk? Especially when it comes to career or family or both? I'd love to hear your story! More to come about mine soon. 

Clean Eating Weeknight Turkey Chili

Confession. I've been TERRIBLE about meal prep...and eating oreos...and drumstick ice-cream cones. Facepalm. Seriously, the pregnancy cravings this last month are INTENSE and I've given in to a lot of junk. I refuse to beat myself up about this but for every poor choice I make I'm trying to make at least two good ones!

The start to this year has been...hectic...stressful...busy. So many little things keep adding up and some days I feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water. It is a pleasure chasing my toddler around but it's been getting harder as I hit the slump of the third trimester. I'm exhausted literally to tears most days from lack of sleep, my day job (well, let's not go there right now...excited to be making changes which I'll share soon...no more empty dreams and half-hearted comments about changes, we are officially on the horizon of new goals and new priorities), not to mention a million other little stressor's in life. I have a bad habit of letting those things get the best of me and with it some of my attention to detail in regards to our weekly meal prep and menus has gone out the window.

Last night was no exception. I hadn't prepared what to make for dinner ahead of time and on my way down the block yesterday morning, Andrew called me asking what he should take out of the freezer for dinner. After a flustered "just some chicken", click.... I called him back and changed that to the package of ground turkey. I was craving some comfort food and chili sounded amazing. Not to mention I pretty much have a base recipe in my mind and an easily throw a pot of chili together with some pantry staples and doctor it up with other random ingredients I may have on hand. Problem solved. The best part, prep time is literally 10 minutes tops with as little as 15 minutes cook time... in our case, we let the pot of chili simmer while we finished Connor's bath and did our bed time routine. Easy for a weeknight meal and plenty of leftovers to get us through another dinner and a couple of lunches too.

There are any number of amazing turkey chili recipes available and I've tried many of them. In experimenting with various recipes, I've discovered I like flavor profiles that include cumin, basil, chili powder, and garlic. After raiding my pantry, I doctored up the following and it made for a fantastic bowl of chili. Husband approved hands down.

Clean Eating Weeknight Turkey Chili

1 package ground turkey (approximately 1 lb)
1 yellow onion diced
1 15 oz can organic black beans (drained)
1 15 oz can organic kidney beans (drained)
1 4 oz can diced green chilis (drained)
1 14.5 oz can of diced tomatoes (don't drain)
1 14.5 oz can of diced tomatoes with basil, oregano, and garlic (don't drain)
1 tbsp olive oil
1 tbsp garlic powder
1 tbsp chili powder
1/4 tsp mustard powder
2 tbsp white vinegar
1 tbsp Truvia natural sweetener
1 tsp dried cilantro
1 tbsp cumin 
1 tsp salt
sliced avocado

Heat olive oil in a large pot. Add turkey, garlic powder, and onions and cook until the onions are tender and the meat is no longer pink. Add the beans, chilis, tomatoes, and all of the remaining dry ingredients. Stir well, cover pot, and simmer on low at least 15 minutes...longer to let the flavors steep. I love to serve my bowl of chili with sliced avocado. The creamy, almost rich flavor, from the avocado is a GREAT substitute for sour cream. 

This chili is also amazing as leftovers. The flavors really continue to develop and it makes for a delish lunch or leftover dinner meal.

We LOVE chili in the Carey household so feel free to share your favorite recipes! I'm always looking for new clean versions to try.

On Becoming a Girls Gone Sporty Ambassador

Happy Monday morning! Hope you had a relaxing weekend. Ours went fast and was filled with errands and random chores. T-minus 4-ish weeks until Declan makes his appearance so we're just trying to fit in as much time as we can as a family of 3 and mentally prepare for our new love bug.

Anyway, I wanted to share some exciting news. I have been accepted as an ambassador with Girls Gone Sporty!

I'm very excited about this ambassadorship opportunity. One of the main reasons I started blogging was to share my passion for health, fitness, and overall wellness with likeminded women (and men!) and hopefully inspire others in the process. Blogging and social media has proven to be an amazing (obviously) way to connect with a network of people who share this passion. It affords many of us the opportunity to share our expertise and personal experience with a huge network of individuals and hopefully change some lives in the process.

While I'm passionate about breaking down barriers between the men vs. women debate in fitness and sports, I also feel like there is still a huge opportunity to empower women with knowledge, skills, and community to bust misconceptions about women's participation in sports or how they approach fitness. I also think it remains very relevant to use discussions regarding health and fitness to promote positive body image and self esteem issues in women. For the record, men aren't exempt. As a mother of (soon to be two) boys, I plan on setting the same type of example for them as I would hope to set for daughters. Positive body image, the importance of living a healthy active lifestyle, challenging yourself physically and mentally, and respecting others for their capabilities and differences both physically and mentally.

I'm excited to become an ambassador with Girls Gone Sporty since this affords me an amazing opportunity to network with other bloggers and individuals who embrace these values. The ability to contribute to this conversation is so energizing to me. I'm not only excited to share but to learn.

Here's a little more about the mission of Girls Gone Sporty:

"Girls Gone Sporty is an online editorial magazine and a social community for women dedicated to living and leading sporty lives. In addition to providing cutting-edge content, we’re committed to creating a support system for women who are striving to be their best selves."

"What is the “sporty life”? It’s more than just fitness and nutrition; it’s an attitude that’s focused on embracing fun and adventure. The sporty woman says, “I can do anything I put my mind to, I just need the resources to do it.” That’s where GirlsGoneSporty comes in. Owned and operated by Laura Williams, a self-proclaimed "sporty girl" and her husband Lance Williams (an equally sporty guy), GirlsGoneSporty is dedicated to sharing the top products, trends and ideas for advancing the fit and adventurous lifestyle."

I'd love to invite you over to visit the Girls Gone Sporty website and follow the GGS social media channels:

Girls Gone Sporty Facebook

Girls Gone Sporty Twitter

Girls Gone Sporty Instagram

Girls Gone Sporty YouTube

Girls Gone Sporty Pinterest

You'll discover great blogs and have loads of resources for workouts, recipes, and new fitness experiences. Become part of the conversation and keep checking back here at The First Rep to follow along with me as I navigate a healthy lifestyle. Please give me a follow on my other social media channels found above to stay in the conversation. I'd love to connect with you!

Jaime Eason's Post Pregnancy Fitness Trainer Coming Soon!

 I have been waiting for this!

I have been a HUGE Jaime Eason fan for years. I have followed her through various publications and on social media and just love how down to earth, knowledgeable, and motivational she is. Not only is her physique a source of inspiration, but she has been incredibly generous with connecting with fans and using bodybuilding.com as a forum to offer a completely FREE training program which I'm sure many of you are familiar with. It's called the LiveFit Trainer. I had started it approximately two years ago and then became preggo with Connor so I had to switch gears. Jaime gave birth to her son a few months before I had Connor and not too long ago announced that she was working on a new project with bodybuilding.com to offer a free post-natal training program. I've been CHOMPING at the bit for info and announcements and as luck would have it, she posted to Facebook today announcing the official countdown. T-minus 5 days! The timing could not be more perfect. With 5 weeks of this pregnancy to go, I'm already making a plan of attack for my post-natal training. I am already incredibly grateful to have this free and accessible resource to jump-start my program. It will be comprehensive including training plans, meal plans, and supplementation. It also sounds like many of the workouts can be performed in a short amount of time and AT HOME! Woohoo! Take a look at this amazing video introducing the program:



I also really admire that Jaime shared a peek at her post-baby body. She is HUMAN. I love how she is acknowledging honoring the hard work and changes our bodies go through to build a human and how with a little diligence, support, and a focus on fitness and nutrition, women can achieve their goals. Whether it be general health and fitness for energy to chase after the kids or for true changes in physique and body composition to achieve a specific look.

So, I was thinking. You may be aware I am a Beachbody Coach and run challenge groups using the companies amazing fitness products and supplements. I receive a commission on the sale of these products. While I intend to offer some challenge groups using these programs in 2015, I know so many new Mom's who have had kiddos or kiddos on the way that I would VERY much like to offer a FREE challenge group starting this Spring. We will all go through Jaime's new program together. No purchase necessary. Just a completely free support group hosted by ME where we will share our experience, keep one another accountable, and get through the 12 weeks as a community of awesome women. What do you say!? I'm thinking May/June time frame and we'll utilize a private Facebook group for all of our motivation and communication. Message me here or via email (see my contact info above) to let me know you're interested and I'll keep a list going. After I deliver Declan and settle in, I'll message everyone and we can get a better idea on when to start the program and finalize some details. More to come!!! Can't wait!

AFAA Aqua Fitness Certification

It's a rainy, rainy day here in the sunshine state so I figured this was the perfect opportunity to chat about my Aqua Fitness certification course hosted by AFAA (Aerobics and Fitness Association of America) this past Sunday...you know, continue the H20 theme today.

Currently, I'm working PRN hours at work and decided to take a mental health day. I am literally running on empty. This has been an immensely exhausting, emotional, and stressful couple of weeks (nothing major but you know how those little things add up!) and I'm at the end of my rope. I needed to take a beat. I'm posted up in Panera enjoying their Low-Fat Mango Smoothie, a half caf coffee (hello no sleep at 35 weeks) and their Avocado, Spinach, and Egg White Breakfast sandwich. Delish. Thankful for my sitter today. I always feel bad taking Connor to the sitter on days I have off but Mommy needed a major reset today. I'll probably enjoy some yoga, a pedi and a nap later before I pick up the kiddo. T-Minus 5 weeks until Declan graces us with his presence so I'm trying to fit in a few days off for some me time, a day with Andrew, and some one on one time with Connor. 

Anyway, let's talk aqua fitness! Attending this certification was completely random. I actually discovered that my gym was hosting the course the week before when I received our newsletter. Given that I'm slowly trying to chip away at a goal to shift my career to more fitness/health related work, I'm trying to rack up various trainings, education, and certification opportunities. It is really helpful to broaden your scope and figure out what clicks. Plus, the networking opportunities with different certifications and educational trainings are invaluable and can open up doors you weren't even looking for. 

To be honest, while I have taken aqua fitness classes in the past, I am not currently a participant in classes nor have I ever taught an aqua based class. These last few weeks of pregnancy I have strongly debated trying to incorporate a class or two a week since my pelvis is so out of whack and the bath gives me immense relief...why not work out in the pool! We are lucky Floridians and have a pool in our backyard but it's too cold this time of year! In investigating aqua fitness more, I realized there is an amazing application for this fitness format, especially for "special populations" such as those who are injured or disabled, prenatal fitness, geriatric populations etc. I feel like branching into aqua fitness gives me the opportunity to potentially blend fitness instructing with populations I'm already helping as a speech language pathologist. As many of the patients I treat at the hospital recover and return to home, they become the perfect candidates for this type of fitness program. Many patients will continue to have lingering joint issues, muscle weakness, or cognitive decline from stroke, heart disease, injury, etc. I have heard that many aqua fit participants at our gym are older adults with arthritis, stroke or cancer survivors, or navigating neurological diagnoses such as Parkinson's Disease. There are certainly younger participants as well who potentially enjoy a more advanced level of fitness and aqua classes can be a great way to cross train, incorporate active rest, or rehabilitation from a sports injury. Not to mention a pool workout is great for moms-to-be, especially in that last trimester. As I've mentioned, I've become immensely interested in specializing in pre/post-natal fitness and will continue to pursue education and training to begin working with this population in a bigger way.

The course began at our local gym, Gainesville Health and Fitness Center, promptly at 9am. Our gym has three locations including two co-ed locations and women's only location. What we refer to as the "main center" houses our aquatic center where we have a large lap pool, therapeutic whirlpools including hot and cold plunge pools, and dry and steam saunas. 

The course was instructed by, Yoko, an energetic and entertaining presenter. She described her many years of fitness experience with over 20 years leading aqua based classes. She was friendly, engaging, and funny! Always a bonus when the instructor has a great sense of humor. I always feel that it puts the entire group at ease and not only does it make the presentation enjoyable to listen to but it helps loosen people up so they engage more by asking questions and offering examples which further the success of the education provided. 

After filling out some forms, we were given our course manual and dove right in (haha, no pun intended). I want to offer a few points of constructive criticism here. So, unfortunately, Yoko informed us that the course would be cut short by about 2 hours since she had a flight to catch and the airport was two hours away. No big deal but I felt like this resulted in certain classroom discussions feeling a bit rushed. She eliminated some anatomy and physiology review, which for most of us wasn't a big deal, but I feel like this is always beneficial no matter how knowledgable the group is. Especially for a course like this since the physics of the water and movement patterns performed change some of the principles. Also, the registration process didn't make it entirely clear what materials would be needed for the day. I scoured the confirmation emails I had been sent and re-read the online description but I saw no mention of being prepared with swimwear or a towel. Now, you may be saying, "DUH CATIE, IT'S AQUAFIT" but still... I have to admit that I ALMOST didn't bring one and then at the last minute I said "DUH CATIE, IT'S AQUATFIT...YOU'RE PROBABLY GETTING IN THE POOL"... so needless to say, I was right. Go prepared with swimwear for the practical portion of the class.

Overall, the course material was excellent, though presented in a slightly disjointed fashion. There was solid review of hydrodynamics which was very beneficial. Again, once you hear it, it seems like common sense, but it was very important to be taught to understand how exercise principles and movement patterns can change in the water when considering moving against fluid, changes in inertia, etc. Yoko emphasized that the way you instruct, the exercises you choose, and the pace at which you teach and coach participants to move HAS to change because you are in the water. For example, many times, you don't necessarily work to the beat of the music as it's typically too fast to achieve the proper range of motion against the resistance of the water. This isn't simply doing land based cardio or strength training in the pool. This section of the course was a great intro but I personally know I will be doing more studying to better understand these principles and be better equipped to properly coach and choose exercises when leading my own classes. 

Also, (and I want to drive this point home if you're interested in instructing aqua fitness) I would very much anticipate that the majority of class participants in this format will be the older adult, or special population as described above. You would be doing yourself and your participants a disservice, and potentially causing a safety issue, if you don't spend some time educating yourself on how to exercise with certain injuries or limitations or avoid risk of injury in the population that is more prone. There are many excellent continuing education courses to address further knowledge in this area. While aqua fitness is a great medium for these types of participants, it by no means eliminates the risk of injury. 

The course also did a good job of introducing very basic aqua fitness movement patterns. The class was structured around a cue card using these base movements to lead an effective warm-up, incorporate cardiovascular training, strength/endurance muscular training, flexibility, and balance. Skill training is also becoming very big on the fitness front and suggestions on incorporating exercises to address balance and agility were offered. The constructive criticism that I would offer here is that I don't necessarily feel prepared to design an engaging, hour long aqua class based on the exercises presented alone. I feel this information builds a solid foundation but anyone truly interested in beginning to teach aqua classes would be well served in pursing additional training, education, and resources to structure classes that are safe, engaging, and have variety. 

After a brief break for lunch, Yoko took to the water and we watched her demonstrate virtually all the basic moves from the cue card discussed that morning. She personally incorporates both in water and out of water instruction from the pool deck. She also uses an acronym, SWEAT, and holds laminated letter cards up during her class to cue participants to change speed, range of motion, direction, etc. She told us that many aqua classes don't necessarily have access to a microphone so visuals, through either demonstration or written formats, are very helpful so participants can better understand how to perform the workout. After her demonstration, the class got in the water and performed all of the movements as she called them out. She was able to watch each of us from the deck and make form corrections and suggestions. She also incorporated her verbal and visual cue techniques to we could become familiar with how to change movement patterns for our participants. She then led us through an abbreviated class with music to get the feel for a basic aqua fitness class.

A quick word on equipment. In many aqua classes, equipment is incorporated into the workout for extra resistance and variety. It's common to see foam "dumbells", foam noodles, floatation belts, kickboards, fins, resistance bands, or webbed gloves used. I would take some time to carefully research current trends and recommendations for the use of equipment in classes. Yoko was a huge fan of webbed gloves and suggested that items like foam dumbbells aren't really necessary and can even cause injury due to lack of proper form when holding the object. Each gym will have different policies on the equipment that can be used and long time class participants may have preferences and be resistant to change. Do some research and have some discussions on what will work best for your classes.

All equipment by Speedo

Also, in regards to apparel, I appreciated the suggestion that not only the instructor, but the participants should be encouraged to wear comfortable and appropriate swimwear. This is not the class to show of your super cute J.Crew bikini. An athletic swim suit or even swim leggings and fitted rash guard should do the trick. Footwear is also recommended to prevent slips and trips in and around the pool. Simple slip on water shoes or water sneakers are a great idea.

All apparel by Speedo

Overall, the class was a very positive experience. It was an excellent introduction but again, for myself personally, I don't yet feel ready to lead a class effectively based on this certification course alone. I plan to begin attending aqua classes at my gym more regularly and make some time to chat with current, experienced instructors. I have also discovered a handful of additional resources and YouTube videos (several of which I'll share below) that will help me prepare. After I deliver and get back to teaching, I will likely see if I can team teach a few classes with current instructors to ease into leading this new format. 

So chat with me! Do you teach aqua fitness classes? Have you taken AFAA's course? What additional  resources or training would you recommend for the new aqua fit instructor? I'd love to hear for you and discuss more! 

Resources to get you started -

Aqua Fitness Education, Training, and Resources:

• AFAA Aqua Fitness Certification Course 
• AEA (Aquatic Exercise Association) Aquatic Fitness Professional Certification
• United States Water Fitness Association
• ACE's Aquatic Exercise 
• Aqua Zumba (you have to be a Zumba Basic 1 licensed instructor and be a member of the ZIN network. Zumba also recommends the AEA certification above.)

Special Populations:

• AFAA Perinatal Fitness
• AFAA Prerehab vs. Rehab
• AFAA Arthritis Foundation Exercise Program
• ACE Therapeutic Exercise Specialty Certifications

(I am not affiliated with, nor compensated to promote, any of the above products, programs or organizations. As a group fitness instructor, this is a list of my own personal resources that I have independently compiled.)

At My House Survey

Happy Saturday everyone! It's a gorgeous day in Florida and we enjoyed the first half of the day at our favorite local park. It's becoming a Saturday tradition to pack up the kiddo and the car and head over for a walk and a picnic lunch. Connor is pretty much off and running these days so it's fun to eat and watch him run, jump, and explore. Today, he loved running back to the table for bites of melon and then running away to explore more weeds and rocks.

Now, I'm enjoying some quiet time to work on the blog while he naps. I'm planning some upcoming fitness related posts but thought this would be fun for a Saturday afternoon. I always get a kick out of "blog surveys". Usually, they can be a fun glimpse into the bloggers life, their other interests, etc. The point of blogging, I think, is to be human and accessible to your readers. If you wanted just facts you'd google a magazine or wikipedia article! Though my blog has a purpose, and many of you know me already, it's always fun to get a little personal and give you a peek into what else is going on in my world. Maybe you can relate or maybe it'll add a little humor to your day. Recently, a few blogs I follow did a little survey called "At My House". It's self explanatory so let's dive in:

Household chore I actually enjoy... Paying my housekeeper. Seriously! I'm so lucky to have her. She is super cheap and does an amazing job. It felt frivolous when we hired her almost two years ago but we were able to easily budget her in. She comes twice a month and it helps me keep on top of general household chores so we can dedicate more time to our kiddo and enjoying weekend time together as a family. I also LOVE to clean out closets and make trips to consignment. I do this a couple of times a year. It's nice to make a few bucks back for clothing or household items you no longer need and then donate the rest to Goodwill. The tax write off is nice too. Andrew jokes that I purge the house so frequently he's going to come home one day and no furniture will be left. If there is one thing you will never call me it's a pack-rat.

Biggest house disaster... Very fortunate to be able to say there are no current disasters at the Carey homestead. I mean, I'd love to remodel my kitchen and bathrooms. That's a total "want to" and not a "need to" however. They are technically perfectly fine and probably already look as if they've been redone but I have dreams of Pottery Barn-eqsue bathrooms and a state of the art chefs kitchen. A girl can dream.

Before company arrives I hide... all the junk that accumulates on our kitchen counters. WHY DO WE GET SO MUCH MAIL!

Most recent music download... My track lists for BodyFlow and Body Pump.

The last thing I bought online... a ridiculous amount of fitness DVDs including prenatal DVDs and a few programs for after baby comes. I'm particularly excited to try Physique 57! I scored a Fluidity Bar from my local pilates studio for $75 so that should come in handy for my home barre workouts.

Oh, and this chandelier from Ballard Designs. Living room/dining room is finally complete!

I hate to shop for... groceries. I should be thankful I suppose that I can afford to feed my family. Of course I am. But the grocery store is just such a giant chore and I can never go when it's quiet.

Favorite family ritual... our trips to our local park on Saturdays for walks, playground, and a picnic lunch. Also, evening walks around the neighborhood. We have the most perfect subdivision for walking/running with streets that loop around for miles. 

I sleep in... well right now, anything I can find that fits. I don't know about you but I have had an IMPOSSIBLE time finding comfortable maternity sleepwear. I'm wearing my usual knit PJ bottoms and some of Andrew's t-shirts or some of my cotton maternity tanks. When not pregnant, I'm a huge fan of Target Gilligan & O'Malley sleepwear. Just got two new PJ sets to wear after baby.

I have a style crush on... Kate Middleton. Hands down girl crush on this chick. I want her hair, her wardrobe... Is it creepy that I'm so excited to follow along with her second pregnancy too?

I'm currently reading... Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg. Ever in pursuit of that work/life balance.

How did I ever live without... this guy.

Connor at 9 months

Ok, let's hear from you! Comment below or blog your responses to the following questions and be sure to link back to me so I can see!

Household chore I actually enjoy... 
Biggest house disaster... 
Before company arrives I hide... 
Most recent music download... 
The last thing I bought online...
I hate to shop for...
Favorite family ritual...
I sleep in...
I have a style crush on...
I'm currently reading...
How did I ever live without...

(I offer an affiliate link from my amazon shop for the purchase of several items featured in this post. I receive commission on any purchases made through my amazon store front.)

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Pure Barre Studio Spotlight: Wyckoff New Jersey

I had yet to officially revive my blog a few weeks ago when I attended Pure Barre while visiting my parents so this is a slightly delayed post about my experience. When I attended, I had notions of blogging again so I was sure to take careful mental notes about my experience. I've chatted some about barre workouts recently so why not continue the theme and share my experience with Pure Barre!

Unfortunately, living in Gainesville significantly restricts ones options in regards to specialty studios featuring "boutique" exercise programs. I hate that connotation a little since I think, while trendy, many of the "boutique" programs are here to stay for awhile. These boutique brands include barre concepts such as Pure Barre and Barre3, as well as SoulCycle, and OrangeTheory Fitness (P.S., Gainesville has an OrangeTheory coming this Spring!) to name a few. It's always nice to head out of town to a more populous area where these programs tend to be more popular and established. I love trying new things and would LOVE regular access to the variety. I've been trying to make it a point to take a class or try a new workout when out of town...typically easier said than done while on the road.

Knowing that we were headed to NJ back in December to spend 2 weeks with family for the Christmas holiday, I decided to scope out what the area was offering. I grew up in North Jersey and it is a densely populated, affluent area that is the perfect foothold for these studios. Luckily, I was able to locate a nearby Pure Barre Studio and Barre3 studio. Unfortunately, I had to cancel my attendance at Barre3 but was able to make it to Pure Barre. I even had great company! My brother's girlfriend is very into fitness and also instructs group fitness classes so she was more than willing to tag along and take class with me. If you've never attended Pure Barre before, keep reading for a run down of my experience, a breakdown of the class structure, my overall impressions, and thoughts about the studio.

I currently do Pure Barre in the comfort of my living room. The company offers a nice selection of DVD's and equipment filmed in different studio locations and guided by the founder of the technique, Carrie Rezabek Dorr. They even have two prenatal based home workouts available which I've been incorporating into my routine. As long as you have a sturdy high backed chair to hold onto, you can accomplish your own home version of PB easily. Sometime in the future I'll be reviewing the various DVD programs I've tried but I digress, back to the live studio experience.

I was so pumped to be able to attend a live class. Though I love DVD based fitness, especially for programs that are offered live but I don't have access to, it is always wonderful to be able to experience the energy of a live class. The music is always a little better, the energy of the room and other participants fuels your workout, and if you have an excellent instructor, you get the benefit of more clear form recommendations and even hands on adjustment.

The studio where we attended class was located in Wyckoff, NJ, about 15 minutes from my parents home. Yay for convenience! The studio is located in a newer shopping center and was easy to find. Upon entering the studio, it looks and feels very similar to other Pure Barre locations I've seen. The decor is a sort of rustic/modern with the bold Pure Barre logo and a nicely arranged, though small, check-in and apparel/accessories retail area. It's a smart concept to offer for sale the "uniform" of the class including stylish leggings and tops, headbands, water bottles, and of course, the sticky socks! We arrived about 15 minutes early as instructed for first timers and we were greeted by a very friendly receptionist who gave us our paperwork and introduced us to the instructor. I needed another pair of sticky socks for my home workouts so for $12 I was able to purchase a cute turquoise and black pair...though any socks should do.

(As for what to wear to class, long yoga pants or leggings are encouraged though capri length works too. Shorts are frowned upon and you probably wouldn't want to wear these anyway since you will perform many positions where "gapping" in shorts might be revealing. The longer pant also keeps your muscles warm. As for tops...a supportive, fitted yoga cami or tank will do the trick. Many will also wear a breathable but long sleeve top as well. The sticky socks are meant to keep muscles warm and provide a little extra traction though the studio floor is carpeted. The concept is a little weird to me since I'm so used to doing yoga and BodyFlow in bare feet on a yoga mat...but the socks are encouraged so...when in Rome...)

We were then greeted by our instructor Deihdra. She was incredibly welcoming and gave us a complete run down of how to prepare for class. We were instructed to leave shoes in the lobby, don our socks, and followed her to a room in the rear of the studio complete with cubby's for bags/coats, water cooler, bathroom/changing area and equipment storage. (FYI there is no childcare area or showers). Also in this area is their "100 club" bar. Participants who have completed 100 classes are recognized for their accomplishment and sign their name on the bar for recognition. Cute :) Deihdra then explained the structure of class, helped us choose equipment needed for the class (this particular day we used light hand weights, resistance tube, a small pliable ball, and a nice cushy mat). There were options for hand weights from 1-5 lbs. Since I was about 28 weeks pregnant at the time and trying to manage my intensity I chose 3 lb hand weights. I informed Deihdra that I was expecting, though it was hard to miss, and she was very helpful. Though I had already informed her I was familiar with my prenatal Pure Barre home workouts and was a group fitness instructor, she was more than willing to chat with me about exercises she had planned for the class so I was better prepared to modify. (PS, Pure Barre, or similar fitness programs, are an excellent low impact option for pregnancy.) She explained to us that she would check on us often and since we were new, to anticipate some hands on adjustments from her. She was quick to eliminate any notions of intimidation and told us to work at our pace and within our comfort zone.

We then took our places for class. There were about 12 other participants at the 8 am class. The studio itself is somewhat dark with bright ceiling spotlights directed at the walls featuring large scale photographs of women performing different Pure Barre exercises. The ballet barre extended the length of each opposite studio wall, the walls were mirrored, and the floor was carpeted. I sort of love and don't love the overall feel of the studio. It's hard to explain. While I think the styling is modern and sort of trendy which is appealing, it's also sort of dark and moody. There were times when the lights were lowered a bit and I had difficulty seeing the instructor. While it may not have been my studio style preference, it would also be unfair to say that it detracted from the overall class experience. Given my preferences, I love to practice in bright, airy studio spaces...feeds my personal energy better...but at the end of the day it's more about the workout for me. The most important part...the studio and carpeting were VERY clean. There is nothing worse than a dirty fitness space.

It was clear Deihdra has a great rapport with her participants, many of whom were clearly regulars. The women in our class were of all shapes and sizes and age groups. They all had friendly banter between them and were welcoming to us as well. No cold shoulders or icy stares here! The instructor started the music and the warm-up began. I really enjoyed the music choices...faster paced current hits and some retro throwbacks. Very motivating and drove the workout.

As for the structure of the class, you'll perform some work in the center of the room starting with a warm-up which is a series of knee lifts, reaches, core work including planks, and stretches once you're warm. You'll then grab your light hand weights and begin a series focusing on upper body. After this segment you'll head over to the barre and perform different sequences of plies, leg lifts, and pulses using a "tucked" pelvis. Work then moves back to the floor or up against the wall under the bar for core work and more seat/thigh work. Between most exercises or exercise segments and at the end of class, you'll perform stretches to improve flexibility. The key throughout each segment is understanding the technique. In Pure Barre speak, the technique incorporates the concept of working from a tucked pelvis and performing small, near isometric movements. The instructor will frequently say "pulse" or "up an inch, down an inch". Who knew such small movements could make muscles burn! To learn a little bit more about the barre concept, head over to a recent post titled Let's Talk at the Barre. Deihdra was great about checking in on us, especially me, to make sure our alignment was good. Because my belly sort of affected the position of my spine and pelvis, I was appreciative that she took a few moments to periodically check on me and adjust my form or offer me a more comfortable way to stand or position for safety. Being pregnant, I won't lie and say I didn't have to modify some of the class. I wasn't able to perform some of the traditional ab work and the core work against the wall was a little bit difficult with my belly in the way. It was easy enough to substitute a different exercise or modify the moves to fit my needs. At this point you may be asking "did you feel the shake"? Heck yes we did! I definitely had to take breaks and I've been practicing barre for a little while! I'm not sure my muscles will ever get used to this form of training where is feels "easy".

A few final thoughts. Overall, the class was amazing and I wish I could attend regularly. As I mentioned in my prior post about barre workouts, while it wouldn't be my sole workout program, I'd love to incorporate a live class more regularly. I'll have to stick to my DVDs for now. If you're thinking about trying a Pure Barre class, the website has some great resources including some videos reviewing technique tips, etc. Also, keep checking your local studio's schedule since they often scheduled classes called "breaking down the barre" where they review many of the foundation exercises and concepts in detail. I've included a video below that is a great review of what to expect when you show up for your first class. As for price, this is a big factor for many people. I can't lie and say the class or packages were cheap. One class cost $24.00. Clearly, there is savings when you invest in a package. For example, new client packages will set you back $99.00 while packages lasting 3 months could set you back close to $300. An entire year of unlimited classes will cost you just north of $2000. Based on some quick research, each studio location across the US appears to be fairly competitive and consistent in their pricing.




So tell me. Have you tried Pure Barre? Another barre concept class? Do you do barre DVDs at home? I'd love to hear about your experiences and results!

Now is the time for me to mention that I have not been compensated by either Pure Barre or the local Pure Barre studio for this review including attendance at the live class or my use of their home DVDs and equipment. I independently decided to purchase DVDs, attend the class, and pay for my class. I subsequently chose to review my experience on this blog. 

Why I'm Not Looking Forward To Breastfeeding...and Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex

I do hope you were able to make it past the title of this post. Do me at LEAST that courtesy. I really hate that my immediate reaction to thoughts of those reading what I'm about to write are to run and duck for cover or steel myself against venomous commentary or lectures about breast is best...save it. Please. Because I do agree with breast is best (for the most part). I just sometimes wish it weren't. 

The breastfeeding debate has become exceptionally tiresome, has it not? More and more I come across blog entries, news articles, and Facebook chats with exhausting, often downright vicious, back and forth over the breast vs. formula debate. My husband and I discuss this occasionally...since together we made the decision on how to nourish our first child, and now how we will nourish the next...and in his ever sage observations made the following comment...and I'm paraphrasing... "at what point does everyone realize we're all winning here? The sheer fact that the participants in this debate even CARE to WORRY about where their child's sustenance comes from already makes them parents of the year". I couldn't agree with him more. Andrew honey, if you're reading, you're always right (haha there, I said it, forever etched into eternity on the worldwide web...and yes people...my husband is generally always right even though I don't always want him to be). Anyway, I'm not sure why this is such a polarizing issue. There are various methods to effectively nourish a baby. Some of us use a substance our bodies naturally produce and some of us choose not to. So. WHAT. Again, as long as you choose something, breast milk, or formula, or gasp, BOTH...congrats! You're doing a good job. 

When we were expecting Connor, I never really thought twice about breastfeeding. I wasn't voraciously consuming tons of literature and I didn't necessarily spend inordinate amounts of time studying about breastfeeding. Actually, I'm not really sure how I decided that we would be breastfeeding the baby except to say that it just felt inherently natural. I didn't even really have much context to go by since, to that point, I wasn't particularly exposed to close family or girlfriends breastfeeding their littles. I was not breastfed. My mother in law claims to have breastfed my husband but couldn't offer much in regards to experience or recall as to the timeline. So, while I didn't read every breastfeeding book at my local library, my studious tendencies did lead me to do a little reading and we decided to take advantage of a breastfeeding class offered by our hospital. It was all beneficial info and I very much went into feeding Connor with an open mind. I was aware there may be challenges and felt prepared to handle any issues that may arise. I also gave myself ample permission to truly play the process by ear. If we hit a speed bump, I would deal with it as it came, roll with the punches... and I gave myself permission, with the full support of my husband, that if for one instant the stress of trying to figure it all out was impacting how we felt about feeding our baby, a transition to bottle and formula it was. We both agreed that it would be far more important for us to feel emotionally stable and with a low level of stress than FREAKING out at 2am because I couldn't get milk out of my boobs or because I was in excruciating pain or something. Honestly, which benefits baby more in the long run? A strung out, stressed out parent grasping at straws to make something work or a cool, calm, collected parent, at peace with their decisions and able to easily adapt to challenges and overcome them with little emotional upset, regret, or shame. So while I mentally prepared for challenges, expected them even....here's the thing...my little dude latched and we never looked back. Ok, you can hate me a little for that part. 

So, Connor loved to eat from day one (you should see him now...shoveling fistfuls of anything you put in front of him). His precious little mouth was made for nursing and apparently so were my boobs. I am eternally grateful and proud of my body and my baby. While I went into breastfeeding with the notion that its success was NOT going to be the be all end all of my experience as a new mom, I was certainly happy it was working. Actually, my husband and I used to joke that we should probably keep the success to ourselves since it's no secret that many struggle. My milk came in right away, the lanolin and ice packs sat unused on the nightstand, and when I started pumping I made enough milk to make any dairy barn a small fortune. There was ONE small problem though...I didn't really enjoy it. Collective gasp! I'll give you a minute... seriously, try to compose yourself. There are all sorts of things we don't enjoy and yes, quite frankly, I didn't enjoy breastfeeding all that much. For awhile I felt guilty about this..."I have NO reason to feel this way!" "My baby is a champ". "I'm such a selfish bitch". "Some people can't do this, you should be grateful!". I would repeat these notions in my head constantly. Still didn't change the fact that more than 50% of the time, I would have rather not been breastfeeding. 

I should probably take a minute to clarify here. I didn't COMPLETELY hate it. There were certainly some precious, amazing, tender moments with my little guy. But honestly, there were other moments where I just wanted my body back. I wanted to share the feeding responsibility. When I went back to work I despised, DESPISED, being attached to that damn pump. While he never caused me pain, Connor was just a frantic feeder and you literally couldn't get him latched fast enough. As he got a little older, he was sort of aggressive and it became physically exhausting to be punched, scratched, and pinched all the time. When I returned to work when we was 8 weeks old, I expressed milk with a pump. While it was relatively easy and pain free, it was just incredibly time consuming to now have to figure out how to set aside time in my busy day of patient care. For the record, my employer was super supportive...and as a matter of fact, I don't think would have ever had the foggiest idea if I had spent fifteen minutes pumping or two hours... so the time constraints were completely self imposed but still real. I was busy. And some days it came down to a struggle between making sure my patients got seen and scheduling pumping sessions. Working in a hospital, it's not exactly easy to know when you're patients are ready to work with you or when you can get them down to radiology for a swallow study... which may need to happen at a moments notice... so some days it was hard to fit it all in. I also like my personal space. I know, I KNOW! To a degree this goes out the window when you become a Mom but I just got to the point where I refused to feel ashamed for liking my personal space and the acknowledgement that my body needed a break and I needed a minute to physically and mentally regroup. It became far more important for me to share the feeding responsibility with Andrew or other family and be able to pick up my baby refreshed and happy rather than resentful that he needed to use my body, AGAIN. So, while I hated pumping, at times it was a blessing since a bottle of expressed milk could easily be given by someone else if I needed a break. Although, I admit this was still rare since I know the most important way to keep supply up is to breastfeed directly so many times before work, after work, overnights, and on weekends it was still up to me.

Yes, because pumping and doing your patient care notes is JUST as comfortable and easy looking as this... I will admit though, the bra for the pump flanges was pretty clutch. 

Here was the other problem...initially, breastfeeding made me feel weird. Not weird as in boobs are sexual so why are we using them this way weird. Not weird as in I don't want people to see my boobs I'm too modest weird. Not weird as in this isn't natural why am I doing this weird. Breastfeeding, literally, gave me the strangest sensation, physically and mentally. During my first few weeks of nursing, every time I would begin a breastfeeding session, I would literally have a few minutes of the oddest feeling...almost like a mild panic attack. At other times, it's hard to describe...it would feel like this dropping sensation in the pit of my stomach...and sudden restlessness and irritability and then onset of extreme thirst. I couldn't nurse without water or Gatorade nearby (and I HATE Gatorade). I thought I was a little crazy honestly. It only ever lasted a few minutes...and was moderately uncomfortable at best...and then it would go away and I'd sort of forget about it until the next time. After the first few weeks, it went away altogether. As I begin to mentally prepare for baby #2's arrival, I've been recalling that feeling so I decided to do a little Google search to try to figure out if there was something to describe this experience. And would you know it...there is! No joke, there is a legitimate medical diagnosis for what I was experiencing... ha! Leave it to my body to have some obscure issue with breastfeeding. But it's real, and while not well researched or reported on, the theory is MANY more women than have been identified experience it, and yes it has a name. Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex (D-MER). Seriously, there is even a dedicated website (www.d-mer.org). You are not alone! 

According to D-MER.org "“Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex is a condition affecting lactating women that is characterized by an abrupt dysphoria, or negative emotions, that occur just before milk release and continuing not more than a few minutes. This is a physiological response (not a psychological response) that appears to be tied to a sudden decrease in the brain chemical dopamine immediately before milk let-down."

Who would'a thunk it. It is important to note that the site goes on to clarify that D-MER IS NOT an aversion to breastfeeding, related to postpartum depression, a psychological response to breastfeeding, or a general dislike of breastfeeding...although, arguably, it's experience could potentially contribute to these other issues. Rather, D-MER is thought to be related to an inappropriate drop in dopamine that occurs when milk is released during let-down. When dopamine falls inappropriately, it can cause symptoms of negative feelings. Fascinating really, and interesting to have a true explanation for my odd symptoms!

So, I should probably circle back at this point. As the title of my post suggests, I'm not entirely looking forward to breastfeeding. I'm more nervous about it this time around. I have other factors to consider including what will be a needy 18 month old and a return to work after only 8 weeks once again. Not to mention the knowledge I now have about the pros AND cons from my first go-round. As I buckle down for the home stretch of this pregnancy, I'm reminding myself of the following: I give myself complete permission to take it day by day again. I certainly do believe in the benefits of breast milk and I'm happy to attempt to feed my next baby like this again. I'm allowing myself the permission to play it by ear as I did last time. The minute something isn't working and the minute the scale tips towards distress with the process I'm allowing myself permission to throw in the towel. If our next little guy is as much of a nursing lover as Connor...great, we'll do it. If he sucks at it, haha no pun intended... fine, we'll trouble shoot a little and see how it goes. And depending on IF and HOW my symptoms of D-MER present themselves...that will factor in too. With Connor, we quit breastfeeding at 6 months. Honestly, it was a combination of my being ready to call it quits and that he sort of was too. He started solids and was showing a lot more interest in those and his bottle than he was in me. At that point, he was getting really used to receiving expressed milk via bottle and his lessening desire to actually nurse directly from me effected my milk supply, not to mention I got an abscessed breast cyst which needed treatment so my supply tanked. The stars aligned and it was just sort of a naturally good time to quit. He transitioned to formula with no issues, and no guilt from us, and is currently a thriving, rarely sick, 17 month old who hasn't met a food he doesn't like and is ALMOST weaned from his bottle. I've seriously given the kid a pass with the slow wean from the bottle since he NEVER accepted a paci and he's slept 12 hours straight since he was 6 months old. You can start hating me again for that. This kid rocks. 

So, time will tell! I'm incredibly excited to meet our new addition and I'm curious to see how nursing again will all pan out. Either way, I am already at peace with whatever decisions we will need to make and I feel good that no matter what we are doing the right thing for our baby.

So, talk to me. Be honest with yourself and not ashamed... have you ever felt less than in love with breastfeeding? Have you experience D-MER? I'm especially interested to know what other Mom's have experienced this.