The breastfeeding debate has become exceptionally tiresome, has it not? More and more I come across blog entries, news articles, and Facebook chats with exhausting, often downright vicious, back and forth over the breast vs. formula debate. My husband and I discuss this occasionally...since together we made the decision on how to nourish our first child, and now how we will nourish the next...and in his ever sage observations made the following comment...and I'm paraphrasing... "at what point does everyone realize we're all winning here? The sheer fact that the participants in this debate even CARE to WORRY about where their child's sustenance comes from already makes them parents of the year". I couldn't agree with him more. Andrew honey, if you're reading, you're always right (haha there, I said it, forever etched into eternity on the worldwide web...and yes people...my husband is generally always right even though I don't always want him to be). Anyway, I'm not sure why this is such a polarizing issue. There are various methods to effectively nourish a baby. Some of us use a substance our bodies naturally produce and some of us choose not to. So. WHAT. Again, as long as you choose something, breast milk, or formula, or gasp, BOTH...congrats! You're doing a good job.
When we were expecting Connor, I never really thought twice about breastfeeding. I wasn't voraciously consuming tons of literature and I didn't necessarily spend inordinate amounts of time studying about breastfeeding. Actually, I'm not really sure how I decided that we would be breastfeeding the baby except to say that it just felt inherently natural. I didn't even really have much context to go by since, to that point, I wasn't particularly exposed to close family or girlfriends breastfeeding their littles. I was not breastfed. My mother in law claims to have breastfed my husband but couldn't offer much in regards to experience or recall as to the timeline. So, while I didn't read every breastfeeding book at my local library, my studious tendencies did lead me to do a little reading and we decided to take advantage of a breastfeeding class offered by our hospital. It was all beneficial info and I very much went into feeding Connor with an open mind. I was aware there may be challenges and felt prepared to handle any issues that may arise. I also gave myself ample permission to truly play the process by ear. If we hit a speed bump, I would deal with it as it came, roll with the punches... and I gave myself permission, with the full support of my husband, that if for one instant the stress of trying to figure it all out was impacting how we felt about feeding our baby, a transition to bottle and formula it was. We both agreed that it would be far more important for us to feel emotionally stable and with a low level of stress than FREAKING out at 2am because I couldn't get milk out of my boobs or because I was in excruciating pain or something. Honestly, which benefits baby more in the long run? A strung out, stressed out parent grasping at straws to make something work or a cool, calm, collected parent, at peace with their decisions and able to easily adapt to challenges and overcome them with little emotional upset, regret, or shame. So while I mentally prepared for challenges, expected them even....here's the thing...my little dude latched and we never looked back. Ok, you can hate me a little for that part.
So, Connor loved to eat from day one (you should see him now...shoveling fistfuls of anything you put in front of him). His precious little mouth was made for nursing and apparently so were my boobs. I am eternally grateful and proud of my body and my baby. While I went into breastfeeding with the notion that its success was NOT going to be the be all end all of my experience as a new mom, I was certainly happy it was working. Actually, my husband and I used to joke that we should probably keep the success to ourselves since it's no secret that many struggle. My milk came in right away, the lanolin and ice packs sat unused on the nightstand, and when I started pumping I made enough milk to make any dairy barn a small fortune. There was ONE small problem though...I didn't really enjoy it. Collective gasp! I'll give you a minute... seriously, try to compose yourself. There are all sorts of things we don't enjoy and yes, quite frankly, I didn't enjoy breastfeeding all that much. For awhile I felt guilty about this..."I have NO reason to feel this way!" "My baby is a champ". "I'm such a selfish bitch". "Some people can't do this, you should be grateful!". I would repeat these notions in my head constantly. Still didn't change the fact that more than 50% of the time, I would have rather not been breastfeeding.
I should probably take a minute to clarify here. I didn't COMPLETELY hate it. There were certainly some precious, amazing, tender moments with my little guy. But honestly, there were other moments where I just wanted my body back. I wanted to share the feeding responsibility. When I went back to work I despised, DESPISED, being attached to that damn pump. While he never caused me pain, Connor was just a frantic feeder and you literally couldn't get him latched fast enough. As he got a little older, he was sort of aggressive and it became physically exhausting to be punched, scratched, and pinched all the time. When I returned to work when we was 8 weeks old, I expressed milk with a pump. While it was relatively easy and pain free, it was just incredibly time consuming to now have to figure out how to set aside time in my busy day of patient care. For the record, my employer was super supportive...and as a matter of fact, I don't think would have ever had the foggiest idea if I had spent fifteen minutes pumping or two hours... so the time constraints were completely self imposed but still real. I was busy. And some days it came down to a struggle between making sure my patients got seen and scheduling pumping sessions. Working in a hospital, it's not exactly easy to know when you're patients are ready to work with you or when you can get them down to radiology for a swallow study... which may need to happen at a moments notice... so some days it was hard to fit it all in. I also like my personal space. I know, I KNOW! To a degree this goes out the window when you become a Mom but I just got to the point where I refused to feel ashamed for liking my personal space and the acknowledgement that my body needed a break and I needed a minute to physically and mentally regroup. It became far more important for me to share the feeding responsibility with Andrew or other family and be able to pick up my baby refreshed and happy rather than resentful that he needed to use my body, AGAIN. So, while I hated pumping, at times it was a blessing since a bottle of expressed milk could easily be given by someone else if I needed a break. Although, I admit this was still rare since I know the most important way to keep supply up is to breastfeed directly so many times before work, after work, overnights, and on weekends it was still up to me.
Yes, because pumping and doing your patient care notes is JUST as comfortable and easy looking as this... I will admit though, the bra for the pump flanges was pretty clutch.
Here was the other problem...initially, breastfeeding made me feel weird. Not weird as in boobs are sexual so why are we using them this way weird. Not weird as in I don't want people to see my boobs I'm too modest weird. Not weird as in this isn't natural why am I doing this weird. Breastfeeding, literally, gave me the strangest sensation, physically and mentally. During my first few weeks of nursing, every time I would begin a breastfeeding session, I would literally have a few minutes of the oddest feeling...almost like a mild panic attack. At other times, it's hard to describe...it would feel like this dropping sensation in the pit of my stomach...and sudden restlessness and irritability and then onset of extreme thirst. I couldn't nurse without water or Gatorade nearby (and I HATE Gatorade). I thought I was a little crazy honestly. It only ever lasted a few minutes...and was moderately uncomfortable at best...and then it would go away and I'd sort of forget about it until the next time. After the first few weeks, it went away altogether. As I begin to mentally prepare for baby #2's arrival, I've been recalling that feeling so I decided to do a little Google search to try to figure out if there was something to describe this experience. And would you know it...there is! No joke, there is a legitimate medical diagnosis for what I was experiencing... ha! Leave it to my body to have some obscure issue with breastfeeding. But it's real, and while not well researched or reported on, the theory is MANY more women than have been identified experience it, and yes it has a name. Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex (D-MER). Seriously, there is even a dedicated website (www.d-mer.org). You are not alone!
According to D-MER.org "“Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex is a condition affecting lactating women that is characterized by an abrupt dysphoria, or negative emotions, that occur just before milk release and continuing not more than a few minutes. This is a physiological response (not a psychological response) that appears to be tied to a sudden decrease in the brain chemical dopamine immediately before milk let-down."
Who would'a thunk it. It is important to note that the site goes on to clarify that D-MER IS NOT an aversion to breastfeeding, related to postpartum depression, a psychological response to breastfeeding, or a general dislike of breastfeeding...although, arguably, it's experience could potentially contribute to these other issues. Rather, D-MER is thought to be related to an inappropriate drop in dopamine that occurs when milk is released during let-down. When dopamine falls inappropriately, it can cause symptoms of negative feelings. Fascinating really, and interesting to have a true explanation for my odd symptoms!
So, I should probably circle back at this point. As the title of my post suggests, I'm not entirely looking forward to breastfeeding. I'm more nervous about it this time around. I have other factors to consider including what will be a needy 18 month old and a return to work after only 8 weeks once again. Not to mention the knowledge I now have about the pros AND cons from my first go-round. As I buckle down for the home stretch of this pregnancy, I'm reminding myself of the following: I give myself complete permission to take it day by day again. I certainly do believe in the benefits of breast milk and I'm happy to attempt to feed my next baby like this again. I'm allowing myself the permission to play it by ear as I did last time. The minute something isn't working and the minute the scale tips towards distress with the process I'm allowing myself permission to throw in the towel. If our next little guy is as much of a nursing lover as Connor...great, we'll do it. If he sucks at it, haha no pun intended... fine, we'll trouble shoot a little and see how it goes. And depending on IF and HOW my symptoms of D-MER present themselves...that will factor in too. With Connor, we quit breastfeeding at 6 months. Honestly, it was a combination of my being ready to call it quits and that he sort of was too. He started solids and was showing a lot more interest in those and his bottle than he was in me. At that point, he was getting really used to receiving expressed milk via bottle and his lessening desire to actually nurse directly from me effected my milk supply, not to mention I got an abscessed breast cyst which needed treatment so my supply tanked. The stars aligned and it was just sort of a naturally good time to quit. He transitioned to formula with no issues, and no guilt from us, and is currently a thriving, rarely sick, 17 month old who hasn't met a food he doesn't like and is ALMOST weaned from his bottle. I've seriously given the kid a pass with the slow wean from the bottle since he NEVER accepted a paci and he's slept 12 hours straight since he was 6 months old. You can start hating me again for that. This kid rocks.
So, time will tell! I'm incredibly excited to meet our new addition and I'm curious to see how nursing again will all pan out. Either way, I am already at peace with whatever decisions we will need to make and I feel good that no matter what we are doing the right thing for our baby.
So, talk to me. Be honest with yourself and not ashamed... have you ever felt less than in love with breastfeeding? Have you experience D-MER? I'm especially interested to know what other Mom's have experienced this.
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