Hi All! Just popping in quick to say hello today. We're pretty much back to our "new normal" routine.  My parents came to visit for about 3 weeks and left to go home yesterday. We were BEYOND appreciative for their help. It was nice to have extra hands to keep Connor occupied during my last week of pregnancy and when we initially brought Declan home. My parents live in New Jersey and we are so fortunate to be able to see them often but they aren't exactly around the corner so it was awesome to get to see them have such quality time with their grandson's. We actually call their visits Nana and Pop-pops bootcamp since it seems like Connor's skills EXPLODE every time they are around. It's funny actually...you'd think I never read to my kid or had enriching interactions...I recently messaged a friend who is a peds SLP since I felt like I needed to check in on Connor's speech-language development. Yes, he's only 18 months but in my paranoia I just felt like he wasn't quite doing a few things I expected. Anyway, a mere week later, Nana gets here and now he's saying "cookie", "baby", "moo", and some other "half words" for foods, drinks, etc. Little show-off. Needless to say, I'm relieved and it's so fun to hear his little voice express himself.

Andrew is back to work and will go on paternity leave for two months starting in June. We will be sending Connor to the sitter a couple of times per week as well. A while back, I wrote a post regarding my desire to have more flexibility in my work/home life. The way I wrote about sitters and daycare came across as if I thought this was a terrible idea. I wanted to clarify that this isn't the case at all. I don't think for an instant that myself, or others, are trying to have someone else raise their kids. That was more of a tongue in cheek way of expressing my personal feeling about wanting to be more involved. On the contrary, we love our sitter and refer to her and her husband almost as Connor third set of grandparents. They care for other kiddos as well and Connor has several little friends. It's such a positive experience for him and we couldn't have survived the last 18 months without them. I'm just happy to have the flexibility to have some extra time in my schedule to spend a full day here and there myself with the kids. A luxury for sure...and probably not something I'll do long term for years on end, but for now, it's working.

Anyway, just settling in with Declan and getting a little one on one time with our new addition. It's actually nice to have it just be he and I for a little while. I can sort of get the house in order, get used to his wants/needs and get us on a bit of a schedule. In a few short weeks I'll return to teaching my classes at the gym and then by June I'll start picking up per diem hours. I'll also be focusing on some health coaching on the side through Beach Body and I've been toying with the idea of revisiting my Stella & Dot business. I get interest in Trunk Shows here and there and typically turn them down since I just didn't have an extra ounce of time...but now my schedule may allow me to fulfill those Trunk Show requests so if you've been interested let me know and we'll see what we can do!

Before I sign off for the day, I wanted to share that I'm excited to announce that I've been accepted as an ambassador for FitFluential and SweatPink!

It's an honor to join these communities. As I discussed in a previous post regarding my ambassadorship with Girls Gone Sporty, being a member of these groups allows me to help further the discussion and mission of a health and fitness based lifestyle. I love being able to contribute to positive discussions and hopefully be a source of info and motivation for your own health journey. These groups are also a gateway to possible brand partnerships etc. I am looking forward to opportunities to partner with brands to spread the word and mission of a healthy lifestyle and bring readers info on services, products, and communities to enhance your lifestyle and journey. If you're on social media (who isn't) be sure to seek out hashtags like #fitfluential and #sweatpink to become part of the discussion and see what's going on around these communities! Also, visit each link above to link over to Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest and other social media channels to follow!

Due Date Baby and Precipitous Labor and Delivery

I've been debating since before Dec's birth whether or not I was going to share his "birth story" on the blog. I was leaning towards no but after how his whole appearance went down, I'm sort of feeling compelled to share the experience...mostly to mentally process how it completely caught us off guard with just how quickly it all happened.

18 months ago I had Connor in pretty textbook fashion. I was three days past my due date when labor set in fairly predictably. I was restless the night before he was born and woke with what I thought were another bought of Braxton Hicks. By about 6 am that day I realized they were fairly regular and getting more intense. I'd had a similar episode the week before but it never amounted to anything and my symptoms went away just as we'd decided to go to the hospital so I wasn't entirely convinced when it started happening the same way the second time around. By 7 am on October 4th, 2013 I realized this was the real thing and told Andrew it was time to pack it up. By the time we got to the hospital and into L & D triage the contractions were coming frequently and intensely. I wasn't prepared for the pain and was surprised when I actually vomited from the nausea they were creating. I have a generally high pain tolerance and was surprised to have gotten sick. In that moment I realized I could do pain, or I could do getting sick...but I couldn't do both so I asked for the epidural. It. Was. Glorious. I'm pretty convinced it slowed my labor down but I was able to rest and had an enjoyable afternoon napping and chatting with Andrew and my Mom while I progressed. I was even lucky enough to have my OB who followed me my entire pregnancy on service that day and she stayed past her shift to deliver Connor. By 4pm it was time to push and by 4:52 he was here! It was honestly such a peaceful and enjoyable process. Let's just say I had minimal trauma for birthing a 9lb 3oz almost 23 inch baby. It took a little while for my lower half to "wake up" from the anesthesia but I was able to walk around again within 2 hours of having him.

With Connor's birth, I went into it without a birth plan and we did the same with Declan, no plan. Not having one is sort of against my nature since I'm a "planner" by heart but for me, having some elaborate list of hopes and must-haves just seemed counter-intuitive to the process. Maybe it's because I'm in health care, and work in hospitals, but I VERY much subscribe to western medicine and all of the interventions it typically entails. I'm certainly not a "let's have the baby in a tub at home". NOT knocking those who do, AT ALL, but it's just not for me. I'm good with doctors, medicine, monitors...the works. I went into both labor and deliveries with a hope for a safe delivery with, in general, minimal interventions as appropriate. Andrew and I were both willing to see what played out. If I felt like I could control pain without medicine...we'd roll with it. If I was begging for the juice...hook me up. If a c-section was needed for the safety of the baby and myself....slice me doc. Childbirth is honestly just so unpredictable, as Declan's entrance would prove, and I was ultimately more comfortable with going into the whole process without specific expectations. We educated and prepared ourselves to some degree for a variety of scenarios and possible decisions and felt armed to advocate and make choices as the need presented itself.

My main consideration was mostly for how I was going to manage any pain. In general I have a pretty high pain tolerance so both times I was willing to play it by ear. We decided against participating in any classes to learn natural labor techniques...mostly because I felt like I already sort of practiced similar methods through yoga/meditation that I take and teach. I can't really recommend any specific labor technique classes since I never specifically researched them but I know many women who felt different programs were beneficial and if you don't already have a method that you think would be helpful to help you labor and manage pain, I'd imagine one of these techniques is worth a look!

As we approached Dec's due date, I started giving some thought to how his labor and delivery might go. Having only Connor's birth to compare it to, it was hard not to assume it wouldn't pretty much pan out the same way. With the exception of perhaps a different time of day, I sort of assumed labor would set in in a similar fashion, I'd have time for an epidural, and his delivery would hopefully go as pleasantly as Connor's did. In many ways, it couldn't have gone differently!

Declan was born on his due date on March 22nd and as his entrance would prove, he couldn't wait to get here. You wouldn't have known it two days before...that Friday, I'd had my last prenatal appointment before my due date and I felt like I would be pregnant forever. She had checked me the week before (I was 3cm dilated and 80% effaced) so I opted out this time but my doc said that any measurement of progress was ultimately sort of meaningless. It was progress certainly, and she doubted I'd reach her threshold for induction (41 weeks) but she told me not to hold my breath either. That Wednesday before I had started to notice some symptoms of labor possibly being imminent. I'd mentioned to her that I was having Braxton Hicks more frequently and more intensely but nothing that I felt was regular or that I was able to time. I had some other symptoms as well but I'll spare you the details...you momma's may know what I'm talking about. On Saturday, the 21st, I felt pretty good. I had slept ok the night before but by that afternoon, I was noticing some increasing back pain and cramping. Again, nothing to write home about...nothing particularly painful, just sort of a fleeting dull, uncomfortable ache. We watched a movie that night with my parents and around 8pm I had to get on the exercise ball since it gave me some relief from the back pain which had become more intense but by 10pm, it had gone away completely. Little did I suspect that barely 2 hours later my water would break...which it did at about 10 to midnight. It woke me right away and I alerted Andrew. We were already packed so he helped me to the shower to freshen up and put our bags in the car. During this pregnancy, I had tested positive for Group B Strep so we knew we needed to get to the hospital so I could begin a course of antibiotics which protocol indicated needed to be administered for 4 hours before delivery. I was ready to leave the house within 20 minutes and by the time I got in the car, I realized I was in quite a bit of pain. Our hospital is only about 8 miles away but on the way, my contractions literally came out of nowhere and were incredibly intense. Connor's came on hard and fast too but little did I suspect I'd be giving birth within the hour.

By the time we parked the car with valet and got up to L & D triage I could barely move. The nurses were great and started assessing me right away, hooked me up for monitoring and got an IV in since I was supposed to get antibiotics and IV fluids as I was asking for the epidural almost immediately. Then things got interesting. The only way I was comfortable was sitting almost bolt upright in this awkward position. I heard the nurses whispering that my contractions were about 1-2 minutes apart...right on top of one another. No kidding. I could barely catch my breath. Honestly, I think I was managing the pain pretty well (thank god for meditation track in BodyFlow and knowing how to do yoga breaths!) but I was feeling it. I have to admit, I started getting a little nervous. I wasn't getting a break from the pain and the nausea started setting in. The doctor arrived, checked me, and I was at 5cm, 0 station and fully effaced. I suspect the nurses could tell on the monitor and through my pain that things were progressing quickly since she said they were ready to move me to a delivery room and called the anesthesiologist to hop to it to get to me. As they were rolling me down the hall, I had a moment where I realized I better prepare myself since I had a sinking suspicion this kid was making his appearance way before they were able to stick anything in my spine.

I had a moment of internal panic. I knew I could do it and Andrew was right beside me but I was starting to feel out of control. I wasn't screaming or anything but I could barely breath. As they set me up in the delivery room extra nurses showed up and they started calling for the doctor. I wasn't entirely sure what was happening. I feel a little crazy stating it this way but it sort of became an out of body experience. I tried hard to focus on breathing and not puking as each contraction hit almost continuously and had a moment were I almost asked them to give me oxygen because I felt like I couldn't breath. Then, I had this incredible urge to bear down. Not to be graphic but I panicked again out of pre-emptive embarrassment because it felt like I needed to use the bathroom! I spoke up and told the nurse and she looked at me and said, "honey, that means you want to push...DON'T PUSH!". And I was like, "honey, that ship has sailed..." I realized in that moment this baby was coming. The chief resident rushed in as the nurse was telling me to lay back. NO WAY was that happening. She pulled me to my side, the doctor hiked up my leg and said "ok, he's here!...". I don't recall exactly but I was asked to push to essentially get his body out. In retrospect, I don't think I really did anything. I remember pushing, sort of...I think twice.... and about 10 seconds of intense pain... and the next thing I knew they were handing him to me! We confirmed it was a boy and I looked to my right since I forgot Andrew was there. Haha I asked him later what he was doing during Declan's arrival and he was like, "standing there, holding your leg, in awe of how quickly it all went" essentially. He got to cut the cord, and that was that. Bing, bang, boom. Baby born at 1:29am. Essentially self ejected in less that two hours. I learned after the fact that this was considered precipitous labor...no kidding... it was like being shoved off a cliff.

Here's the interesting part...I felt AMAZING afterwards. I'm amazed that there truly is something to be said for an unmedicated delivery. I mean, I'm not sure I could willingly endure that pain for hours on end but apparently labor that happens that fast is thought to be more painful than it may otherwise be with a more normally progressing labor. Who knows. I'm just glad I practically blinked and missed it and that I didn't have him in the car. Honestly, if we dawdled by even 15 minutes I think this kid would have been born in the Shands parking lot. Anyway, I was able to get up an walk around almost immediately and once again, SUPER thankful to have had virtually no trauma if you get my drift. The bummer was that we needed to stay at the hospital for 48 hours so they could monitor Declan since I never received antibiotics. My recovery was remarkable. I felt amazing and feel almost back to normal as I write this.

Overall, it was pretty incredible. I'm sort of in awe about how the body just takes over. The speed with which it happened was a little scary and I did feel a little out of control for some of it but the staff and Andrew were great and the most important outcome, a healthy baby, was the icing on the cake. When all was said and done, Declan outweighed his brother by about 2 oz coming in at 9 lbs 5 oz and about 22 inches. We cook 'em big apparently.

I can't believe he's almost two weeks old! We've been very thankful to have my parents here offering a helping hand and helping to give Connor lots of attention as a new big brother. He's taken to the role almost immediately and loves giving the baby "kisses" and touching his feet...since the head is now off limits after a scratch from a game of peek-a-boo with the nursing cover. I'm going to be saying "gentle, gentle!" for a long time I think.

So how about you, anything unexpected happen during your labor and delivery? Did you have a birth plan? Did things go as expected or hoped or did you have to alter your plan on the fly? Anyone else get shoved off the cliff with a precipitous delivery?

Five Ways To Be Happier Today

I am notorious for putting pressure on myself and just generally being pessimistic. It makes me cringe to admit that since I like to think I'm a generally optimistic person. I'll tell you whose optimistic, my husband...Andrew. Ha, it's almost sickening sometimes (and I mean that lovingly). I would LOVE a pair of his rose colored classes but alas, I think he possesses the only model ever made. Seriously, it's not a "being naive" thing for him. He truly is always able to see the silver lining. In a way we balance each other because I tend to bring the healthy dose of reality and he injects just enough hope to make all of our dreams seem possible. Though I'm typically able to see the bright side, it's not before heading down the "how catastrophic can this situation get" path calculating and planning for all the bad things that can happen, preemptively determining course corrections, etc. I very much buy into the, "I'd rather be prepared for the worst than hope for the best" approach. Not that there isn't some inherent value in that, but by and large, I really have room to look on the bright side much more often than I do.

I frequently challenge myself to do this and have placed special focus on this mindset recently, especially since little life stressors seem to be stacking up. We've been making some big decisions and changes in careers and finances, and we're about to have a second child. I was getting myself down, big time. Obsessing. I know I've gone over the edge when Andrew looks at me and asks how many hamsters I'm slaying in my head. I guess I get a "look" in my eye and sort of zone out and he says he can see the hamster wheel turning as I over think things...and not in a good way. Apparently I give hamsters on my little brain wheel heart attacks. Oops.

So, in an effort to be more positive, and in turn happier, I spent some time reflecting the past few days on what I would offer as my five most important tips for being more upbeat. I think it's a pretty solid list and one I know has helped me turn my internal chatter around to a more positive place. 

Forgive

This is a big one. And the hardest. So worth mentioning first. If at all possible, really train yourself to exercise forgiveness. The past few months I have been hurt and disappointed by colleagues, family, and friends. And that's ok. Truly it is...it's life and it will happen virtually every day. (God knows how many people I disappoint on a daily basis. If you're reading this and I've wronged you, my heartfelt apologies! Please let me know if we need to talk it out or hug it out.) Thankfully, I don't think any of the transgressions I've been subject to have been direct or malicious, at all, but they still slice. Some have quite frankly pissed me off. I may have even shed a tear or two (pregnancy hormones, ha!) But you know what, hanging on to the hurt or disappointment is toxic. I was telling Andrew recently that I wish forgiveness came a little more naturally to me. I think it's because I tend to overanalyze situations...I'm always seeking out answers and the "why". I believe that makes me tend to hold on to things because I like closure, justice, and discussion and planning on how these things can be avoided in the future. But you know what, that's not real life...and not even necessarily worth it. Honestly, many times it's better to just let things go. You can be pissed for 5 minutes, punch a wall, bawl your eyes out for an evening...but then do yourself the biggest favor you can and move on. Sometimes, if it's possible and appropriate, you can share your feelings with the party involved and hash it out a little but mostly, it's better to just let it go. Until you try it I can't really illustrate how liberating and good it can feel. I think this quote from motivational speaker Wayne Dyer sums it up:

"Forgiveness is the most powerful thing that you can do for your physiology and spirituality. Yet, It remains one of the least attractive things to us, largely because our egos rule so unequivocally. To forgive is somehow associated with saying that it is all right, that we accept the evil deed. But this is not forgiveness, Forgiveness means that you fill yourself with love and you radiate that love outward and refuse to hang on to the venom or hatred that was engendered by the behaviors that caused the wounds."

And if nothing more, at the end of the day...I just don't have time to be mad. And I love my friends, my family, and everyone else that comes into my life more than to allow stupid little transgressions become irreparable catastrophes.  

Trust Your Guts
This one is particularly important to me, and something I used to be good at. Interestingly, as I get older, I find myself trusting myself less and less. I used to be a go-getter, a risk taker (albeit calculated), and generally fearless. I wasn't base jumping or dabbling in illegal drugs...but I was putting myself out there in relationships, school, and career. I've never been afraid of failure or to try new things. I always approach things with a healthy dose of reality but if I wanted something, I generally went after it. Maybe I just have more on the line these days. I'm no longer responsible for just myself. I have a husband, children...a family to consider. Still, I'm trying hard to reconnect with that sense of adventure and gusto that I once possessed. Consequences of my decisions scare me a lot more now since there is so much more riding on their successes and failures. The other day I discussed some changes I'm making in regards to my career and role in my family. This terrifies me. I know it's the right decision but that doesn't prevent me from talking myself out of it on an almost daily basis. Right before writing that post I was talking to Andrew and it was sort of the final stake in the ground...I'm doing this. We're doing this. It's decided. Trust your guts. So maybe you can challenge yourself to do the same. If you've been waffling over life decisions, large or small, challenge yourself to make a decision and stick to it. Trust your instincts. In the grand scheme of things they've rarely led me wrong.

See the Positive Side

This one is pretty simple. Switch the script in your mind. Just do it. Change the negative that you say into something positive. I'll give you a good example. Lately, I've been obsessing that Connor seems to come home from the sitter (who he pretty much goes to full time until recently) in a terrible mood. Not that he is poorly cared for there or having a bad experience, he's just worn out from fun with little friends and all of the activity. As I mentioned in a previous post, I often feel like I see him at his worst on weekdays. Until recently, I was working full time and felt like our interactions were extremely limited on weekdays and when I did get the opportunity to spend a few quality minutes with him in the evenings, he was tired, cranky, whiney, hungry, and exercising his right as an 18 month old to throw tantrums. I complained to Andrew about this and he said that rather than focus on how unfortunate that is 5 days a week, he savors the weekends where we have two full days with a smiling, happy, adventurous boy that we get to enjoy taking to the park, playing with the dogs, hanging around the house, and otherwise finding adventures to get into. Touche. In a nutshell, I'm a master at identifying what is going wrong or what can be better...I need to practice identifying all of the things that are going right and focus on that.

Challenge Yourself 

This is sort of an extension to my "trust your guts" tip. For me, personally, I generally find happiness in a challenge. Nothing necessarily insurmountable, but I gain a lot of personal satisfaction from achievement. I'm never really competing against anyone else except myself, but there is something about being able to say, "hey! I did it!" that feels pretty amazing. Of course, this type of activity can be an incredible form of stress so I really try to evaluate the projects or goals I am taking on and pair them down into more realistic and manageable pieces. I tend to dream HUGE so this can be difficult...but it is possible. Lately, I've identified that I would gain immense happiness and satisfaction if I take some of the new found flexibility I have in my schedule to focus on some additional fitness certification goals including more Les Mills certifications, my AFAA and ACE certifications, and possible even my personal training certification this year. While these goals take work and some sacrifice of time to achieve and are challenging both physically and mentally, they aren't so huge that achievement can't be tasted. I'm going for it! So what about yourself? Maybe your challenge is similar. Maybe you want to get through a stack of unread novels to carve out a little personal time. Maybe you're gunning for a promotion at work? What challenge can you pose to yourself that would bring you greater happiness?

Find Something You Love and Do It!
Everyone needs a hobby. This is especially important for all of my parent friends out there. Andrew and I have discussed at LENGTH that it is important and healthy for us to keep our personal identities and identity within our marriage in addition to our kids. Don't get us wrong, we love our child(ren) (<-- 3 weeks!) but we just won't let the world revolve around them. Each maintaining our own hobbies not only sets examples for our kids and perhaps even gives them something to participate in with us in the future, but it affords us the opportunity to unwind, recharge, have something interesting to talk about with one another, and keep our minds active. For me, my hobby has really becoming health and fitness, both leading classes and blogging about it. I have a million other things I'd like to do to but this, and getting into the occasional good book, is about all I have time to focus on right now so I'll immerse myself in these areas as time permits. For the record, I should state that if you sit back and allow time to "permit" it will never happen...so I rephrase and say, make a conscious effort to carve out some time as well. Literally schedule it. I try to work on blogging during Connor's nap time for example. Set aside an hour and savor something you enjoy.

So, while many of these "tips" are personal to my life and experiences, I hope you gained something valuable that you can identify with as well. I posed several questions throughout my post and would love to hear your thoughts in the comments section. Let me know all of the ways that you try to find some happiness in your life. How do you struggle? How do you succeed? Also, I read a book called The Happiness Project last summer. I loved it! While I just don't have the mental fortitude this year to conduct my own "happiness project" the book had some great take-aways and I know there are many individuals out there, bloggers and non-bloggers alike, who have taken this journey. The author, Gretchen Rubin, has a great website as well if you'd like to take a look.

I mention the book The Happiness Project because I thought it was relevant to this post. I have no relationship with the author or publisher and have not been compensated for mention of the book or website. I purchased the book myself and found it valuable and a good read so wanted to mention it as a resource here. I have included an affiliate link to my Amazon shop if you'd like to purchase the book. I get a small commission for it's purchase at no additional cost to you. I use the Amazon Affiliate program to generate commissions to support the maintenance of this blog :) Thanks!

On Becoming a Stay At Home Mom...Sort Of

Well, not really. Not exactly. The title of this post should really be "on becoming a more present and fulfilled mom and what that means to me...what does it mean to you?" but that title was entirely too long. I started another post and it ended up being almost 2 pages so far of what led me to this decision...it was practically a reflection on the past 15 years of my life and all of the decisions I've made, or didn't make, and how that has truly shaped where I stand today and the choices going into this decision. Honestly, none of that is important and can be left unsaid. The important piece is below... and I apologize in advance for the utter stream of consciousness this post will be. Sometimes just allowing the verbal explosion of thoughts is cathartic.

For the record, I should first state that the definition of "present and fulfilled mom" will be different for all of us. As it should be. And each definition should be held in the highest regard and respect. If for you that means you work 80+ hours a week and have a rock star nanny to help you with the kids...you rock. If that means you stay at home and do a daily developmental activity from scratch from Pinterest week in and week out, I admire you. Seriously. For many of us, our definition will fall somewhere in between. And it will be conflicted with what we think we should be doing, or can be doing, or what our mother's generation told us to do. Some of us will be constrained by finances or other roadblocks and we may not have the flexibility to make certain decisions (right now anyway) and some of us will enjoy flexibility to sort of figure it out as we go along. Currently, I'm fortunate enough to have some flexibility to take some risks and try some things on for size. Although, not without adjustment to our lifestyle and that is scary as hell.

Now to clarify, I am not becoming a stay at home mom in the strictest sense of the definition...at all really since a large part of this change still involves me being employed. Honestly, I admire those of you that can do it...I would go insane. I know my limits. I love my child (t-minus 3 weeks until I get to say children) but I know that to be the best mom I can be, they can't be my SOLE focus. But here's the thing, I want more than to go to work full time in a career I don't love, missing valuable time with my children, and wasting more time NOT pursuing other career goals that I have. Essentially I want it all. And after telling myself for far too long that I can't have it all or getting cold feet and being too scared to commit to the change, I'm going all in. I have Andrew's blessing and I'm cashing in my chips. For real this time.

After Connor was born I had this incredibly visceral, instinctual reaction that I needed to, and should, spend more time with him. Never once have I heard an elderly patient of mine saying "I wish I busted my ass at work more". It's always, "I should have spent more time focused on my family, it goes too fast". It was sickening to have to spend 40+ hours a week away from him. We love our sitter but I didn't have kids to have someone else raise them. That's just me. Again, if that's what works for you I'm not criticizing. In general, I get to spend maybe a solid 20 quality minutes with him in the morning and then a cranky two hours at night...most of which is spent commuting home, half-assedly interacting with him as I try to prepare dinner and ignore other to-do list items, try to play with him when he's at his worst (cranky and tired) only to have bath and bed time by 8pm sneak up on us. I see my kid on the weekends essentially.

My strong desire to be more present in his life is VERY conflicted with what for many years has been a strong need to feel professionally accomplished. I'm Type A. I'm a do-er, an overachiever, pretty solid academically, and motivated by achievement and recognition. I had a rocky start (ok only a semester but still) freshman year of college finding my footing in a major I could get behind and dedicate myself passionately too. After changing my major to Speech Pathology at the time, I thought I'd found it, and in a way I did. I love the field I ultimately chose at it's core. I loved the opportunity to combine my interest in science and healthcare with the ability to help people...improve lives, change lives. Unfortunately, it doesn't always work out like that. In fact, while there are certainly aspects I still love and that are very fulfilling, I've become more and more disillusioned with the politics and patients who just don't buy into the service you're providing. I can't put my finger on why. Often, I've tried to self reflect and consider that maybe it's my attitude. My heart isn't always 100% in it...but I try extremely hard to never bring that to work. At home I have a pity party about it but I always give 110% of myself to my patients because it's what the deserve. Still doesn't change that I'm ready to find fulfillment elsewhere as I've discovered new interests, passions, and priorities.

All of this is terrifying on several levels. Our peer network is mostly made up of professionals...I'm talking many of us hold advanced degrees. I don't know why, but I'm almost embarrassed to admit sometimes that my Master's doesn't define me. Actually, once upon a time I thought I wanted a million more letters after my name and then I just realized that that is all they are...letters. Those credentials can NOT be the only definition of you as a person or your accomplishments and worth. Impressive, sure. All of us put a ton of hard work and sacrifice into obtaining our educations and I'm a better person in many ways for it. But, if I don't choose to use my credentials in the strictest sense of the word...that has to be ok. I'm not going to obsess about being judged. Actually, I'm probably the only one judging me. I really need to nix that negative self talk when I fall into the trap of "what are people going to think about me...I have a Master's degree...they're going to be horrified that I'd in many ways give that up to spend time with my kids and teach people fitness". Honestly, if you think I'm wasting my life then that's on you. I'm finally (almost anyway) at peace with it. Money doesn't buy you happiness and neither do a bunch of letters after your last name. And if they do for you...then ok. Not judging. But that's your thing...this is how I'm at peace with finding fulfillment.

What is important to me at this point is striking a balance between being more present and involved in the raising of my kids and also setting an example that hard work and achievement are also good things. I grew up with two successful parents who worked full time. My brother and I are truly none worse the wear for it...in fact, I'm still not entirely sure how they worked so much and remained so present...it is possible. But I'm just not sure that I want to follow exactly the same model. There are other ways. It is very important to me that my Mom set an amazing example for me, as her daughter, on what it meant to be a professional woman who could balance achievement and family. But it came with sacrifice. She wasn't always able to be involved in certain things for my brother and I. She was often conflicted on how to manage immense pressures from the politics and work at her job (she was in healthcare too...toxic place healthcare is) with deciding when to say no and keep her focus on enjoying family and personal time. Watching her navigate these decisions taught me very valuable lessons. It also taught me that there are other ways which are equally admirable and correct. Ultimately, I hope to be on a path to more balance with being present for my family and demonstrating for my children that hard work, sacrifice, and using work to make a contribution to your family and society are all important and can be done in equal measure.

Here is the other piece that is terrifying...the financial aspect. This is probably my biggest hang up. Andrew and I were both extremely fortunate to have landed fairly solid, lucrative jobs in lucrative career fields right out of college. Neither of us held any real debt, student or otherwise, and we were almost immediately flush with cash and disposable income. While I've never really identified as overly "spendy", I typically didn't want for anything. If I wanted a nice new hand bag, I bought it. If Andrew wanted a new gadget, he got it. Wanted to head down to the condo in Cayman for 4 days...we bought plane tickets. Two week trip to see friends who live in Asia with stops in Vietnam and Dubai...$3k in plane tickets later...we were off! Not to mention we are able to save like crazy! And now... my cutting back to part-time or fewer hours is nearly cutting our income by half. Well not quite, but it feels close! Add on top of that the expenses of two kids and I'm sweating. This is very difficult and we are honestly not materialistic people. Yes we've enjoyed a few splurges but they certainly don't define us or are we desperate to have them. It's just stressful to go from disposable income to actually needing to pay attention to bills, stick to a budget, plan for purchases, and even avoid spending on things that can't be identified as a necessity. We've been over, and over, and over the numbers and it works...but not without planning. Thankfully, our only debt is our house and our new car payment so that helps, but let me tell you, those other expenditures add up...and they aren't necessarily bills we can cut in any significant way. (PS, I know it's a question I've had, and that many now have for me...and that is "how can this be done!"... I'll do another post soon on some basics of how we looked at our finances and lifestyle to plan for this change and decide we were able to try it. I'd actually like to chat more about this decision making process in that separate post so I'm going to leave it at that for now.)

Ultimately, scaling way back on my hours as a full time SLP (I'm talking like part time or less) not only affords me the opportunity to still have career and financial stability to support my family (since I'm not stopping work altogether) and score more time with my children...but it also allows me time that I would not otherwise have available to pursue efforts towards a goal which is to change my career entirely. I am very serious when I say that my 10 year plan is to switch gears and pursue a career in something health and fitness related...likely full time! I'm sure you're sick of hearing me mention that I love working with people to achieve their fitness goals and I very much envision working on education and credentials to be able to provide higher levels of training and education to these folks. Especially special populations such as geriatric clients or pre/post-natal clients. If there is one thing that I've learned in healthcare, it's that there is IMMENSE value in preventative action...healthy diet, physical activity, and mental and emotional health. I'd really life to be a part of that movement. It is incredibly motivating and energizing to me to get to "work" with people who are actually seeking out your services and dedicating themselves to your expertise. I've only scratched the surface a a group fitness instructor and I'm chomping at the bit to expand my influence. I also have a strong entrepreneurial spirit that I'd like to fuel and I potentially envision being able to provide these services in the form of my own business or studio. The time has come to carve out time to be able to focus on education and experience I need to make that happen. This seems like a win all around, I think.

Here's the ultimate take away. After a lot of soul searching, countless discussions with my husband on how we each view our roles and contributions to our family, timelines for our personal and professional goals, how we envision raising our children, and the general calculations of making sure we can keep our roof over our heads...we're going for it. I'm becoming a stay at home mom...sort of.

So tell me, have you made the decision to be a stay at home mom (or dad!) Have you stopped your work altogether, scaled back hours, switched gears, changed careers? What challenges did you face? What rewards are you experiencing? What was the hardest part of your decisions? I'd love to hear your experiences! 

Changes

I must have started a post on the following points 3 different times tonight. There is A LOT I want to say about the decision making process that has gone into each of these things. After many discussions with the worlds most supportive husband, desperate prayer, and cold feet nearly every five minutes (I swear I change my mind on these things almost daily)...I have finally accepted that deep down in my gut and in my heart these decisions are worth committing too. What is it they say...to get big rewards you have to take big risks? While I'm not sure any of these things qualify as "big risks" they are definitely outside of my comfort zone.

Anyway, because I have flip-flopped more than a bad politician on committing to some of these goals and decisions, I'm officially putting them out there to remain accountable to myself and my goals for family and personal fulfillment. I have a great cheering squad led by my fantastic husband and all my chips are in. Pray for me in 2015...I'm already excited, scared, challenged, unsure, energized, fearful, and triumphant. I'm using the impending birth of our slightly unexpected new addition to begin to turn over a new leaf completely. I live by the band-aide rule...generally. I'm a big proponent of just ripping it off. Put your big girl panties on and take some risks. Time to put my money where my mouth is. 

Here's what I'm up to:

I'm (OFFICIALLY THIS TIME) no longer working as a full time Speech Pathologist. I will be working essentially part-time hours most weeks as a per diem therapist. Money and titles are not all they are cracked up to be and I've never been overly passionate about my career choice. I often just have to tell myself I am to survive another day. I'm done with management and healthcare in general. The only thing that keeps me energized are amazing co-workers (I've generally lucked out here) and the occasional patient who worships the ground you walk on...most of the rest don't seem to care about what I can do for them. I've said a million and one times that the most fulfilling hours of my week are when I get feedback from my group fitness participants. You are all so generous in telling me that I've made a positive impact in your lives. Truly brings me to my knees in gratitude. It's amazing how leading a simple group fitness class can change someones life for the better. I have RARELY received that fulfillment or felt like I've been able to make that impact with patients I've worked with. Go figure.

I will be spending more time as a hands on mom with my boys. I'm excited to try new activities with them and be able to participate in activities that other moms and kiddos are doing during the day that I haven't been able to participate in such as music classes, play groups, and creative endeavors. 

I will be pursuing my personal training certification as well as some additional group exercise certifications. In doing so, I hope to add more classes to my roster and hopefully take on some personal training clients by years end. I plan to continue to slowly transition to a career in health and wellness. I would love to begin working more closely with special populations with a special focus on pre and post natal fitness which has become a true passion of mine. My long term goal is to own my own fitness studio or training center...we're talking 10 year plan here...so 2015 marks the moment when I will begin to take some serious steps towards educating myself in all aspects of the field. I hope to find opportunities where I can continue to learn about business and marketing as well. I have discovered I have an entrepreneurial spirit and it's really a long game to find success...so time to fuel the fire.

Finally, I would love to continue to grow my blog and health coaching business to support these goals. I'm looking forward to building a community here and participating more in the online health and fitness blogging community at large. I would love to parlay the work I do on my personal blog into potential local or national opportunities for writing or contributing health and wellness material to various publications, initiatives, events, etc. 

I'm so excited and so fortunate to be able to have the flexibility to try this on for size. The most important aspect is that, while many of these goals will keep me busy, this approach affords me the opportunity to have more flexibility to be present and involved with my kids which is paramount to me. I didn't realize how important that would be to me until I had Connor. I still want to feel fulfilled and make a contribution but family comes first right now.

So, pray for me! While I'm terrified, I have a feeling 2015 is going to be an amazing and eye opening year. I'll share more about what led me to these decisions over the next several weeks...not that I'm so delusional as to think you're actually interested...mostly because the posts I have started about it are sort of cathartic for me and have helped me officially process and accept these challenges and decisions. And, they may help you too. I know for me, it's nice to hear about what makes someone else tick or to hear about how they reached certain decisions. Many times there is camaraderie in knowing someone is going through a similar decision making process as you and we can receive energy, ideas, and reassurance from their story. So maybe mind will help you. 

Now, tell me. What BIG scary decisions are you making this year? Have you ever taken a big risk? Especially when it comes to career or family or both? I'd love to hear your story! More to come about mine soon.