I feel really exposed writing this post for some reason. Probably because it's incredibly hard for me to acknowledge feeling out of control, disorganized, lacking focus, lacking follow through, and generally feeling flaky about life in general. It's terrifying, embarrassing, and stressful to finally admit that I don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

Let me jump to the point. I'd like to own my own business someday. Like a real, legitimate, brick and mortar business. A fitness studio to be exact. This is my happy place. I've said that a million times. I love seeing my patients as an SLP and the amazing colleagues I have made in the process. Many aspects of the field challenge me and hold my interest for personal fulfillment, for sure. BUT, big picture...long term...I want to call my own shots, create something for myself, make my own schedule, empower people who might also want to come along on that ride. I want to help people achieve wellness in another way.

The problem is...it's HARD. I'm not fearful of the WORK...the hard part is getting started. Setting concrete goals and slowly chipping away. It's the proverbial "long game" and I have no patience. Also, you need CASH. Gobs and gobs of cash. I'd love to think my acre plus of property has some money trees out back but...no. I'd also love to be independently wealthy or have a trust fund to tap for a loan but...no. I'm going to be on the hook for the investment in a venture like this and honestly, there is no timeline. Andrew (god love him) and I talk about this frequently. Last week, we were chatting about when will we know that we have the money to invest. Again, in his ever present wisdom he encouraged me to begin setting some real tangible goals. He suggested we open an account (hopefully something interest bearing to help my money grow) and slowly begin making deposits here and there as we are able with some extra income. Hmm extra income... I just went part-time. Not exactly a whole-lotta extra income floating around right now. In my intense desire to "have it all" I've tried my hand at some other businesses that required a lot less start up investment...and they've been great! I'd never represent products I don't use or believe in...but honestly, the payout hasn't been worth the time and the amount of time I generally need to put into developing those businesses into being fruitful enough to offer me a flexible way to invest that income in my ultimate goal...ultimately detracts from the time I need to be spending on working on my actual goal! Does that make sense? I'll be completely honest...my desire to "get rich quick" so I can realize my dream is enticing. But it's time to refocus. Because I use this blog as a platform for accountability (if you put it out there maybe it tempers the tendency to be flaky!) here's what I would ultimately like to achieve:

Continue to expand my involvement with the Les Mills brand. I'm going to begin attending advanced trainings this year, called AIM modules, in an effort to achieve a pie in the sky dream to become a national trainer/presenter.

Continue blogging. I love this as an outlet and because my goals are relevant to the purpose of this blog, this might be a good platform for me to stay organized, accountable, and continue the conversations I love to have about health, wellness, and a more fulfilling life.

Open a fitness studio. For about a year I've been in some talks with some franchise brands including barre workouts and group fitness studios, vs. going out on my own with my own concept. I've even done some showings with a real estate agent for studio space. And then the reality of the enormity of the investment set in...and that I didn't have the cash to pony up right now...so we put things on hold. I need to spend some time honing in on the type of studio I'd ultimately like to open.

Finally, I can't lose sight of my most important priority right now...and that's my family. The whole point of dialing back on my full time work was to spend more time with the boys while they are young. I'm just addicted to working and being busy! Again, I just deeply desire to do it my way, in something I'm truly passionate about, calling my own shots, making my own schedule, and creating something I can be proud of. The goal has never been NOT to work. I just want to do something I can be 110% invested in and show them that not only can you be successful by getting an education and a successful career...but you can crush a dream by building something for yourself, working hard for it, sustaining it, and still be present and fulfilled in life on your own terms.

So, what's standing in my way? Me. I recently heard a quote that says "if you chase two rabbits...you'll lose them both". This hit me like a ton of bricks. This is exactly my problem. Awhile back, my father looked at me and said, "Catie, you have too many minds". He LOVES this reference from the movie from The Last Samurai. This was advice offered by a tutor when Tom Cruise's character is not succeeding at learning the art of sword fighting. The reference here is that the character is too distracted and lacking focus therefore putting him at risk of not truly achieving excellence. Hmmm....guilty.

How am I going to fix this? This morning, it dawned on me that I really need to focus on being more present. Last night, Connor was trying to get my attention and I had my nose in my phone trying to message some customers from one of my business ventures back. Andrew and I often speak about how we are a little too caught up in tech at the inappropriate times sometimes. I've actually decided to scale back like 95% of my social media use for a few weeks. I need to get off of Facebook and rejoin my life! There are too many distractions on Facebook, too much noise for me about business opportunities I want to pursue that aren't bearing fruit, too much sharing, too much comparing...I'm tired. I won't be gone COMPLETELY only because I do follow a few things on FB that I use as reference...it is a good forum for a few things! Also, for some people in my life, it is a primary means of staying in touch via messaging so I will be accessing it from time to time for those reasons. I will also keep blogging as I mentioned above and I do like to share those posts so I'll post to my wall when I publish something new...otherwise, adios for a few weeks. I'm really excited to take this challenge.

When I'm not spending this newfound time focusing on the kiddos and my husband, family, and friends...I'm going to work on a vision board and develop some goal setting tools for myself to achieve what I outlined. I'm working on creating a little office space in my guest room so I have a little nook to "work". I'll also be focusing more on keeping up around the house, our families fitness and nutrition, and spending some time connecting more personally with friends near and far. I'm EXCEEDINGLY bad at that...like miserable how-do-I-even-have-friends-left bad. I just don't do long distance :( It's interesting, those relationships are either easy breezy to maintain or incredible amounts of work...but that's another topic for another time, maybe.

So, here's to clarity, focus, and fulfillment...and crushing your goals and dreams! Chase one rabbit...have one mind.

What are your big scary goals? Have you achieved them yet? What is your plan? How have you refocused your life and other priorities to balance your goals with other important responsibilities? Do you identify with falling victim to being all over the place when it comes to what you pursue? Tell me I'm not alone and share some motivation!

Les Mills Smart Start Program

This post is for all of you who are new to exercise...especially group fitness and Les Mills programs. This program also serves you well if you've been on a fitness hiatus for at least 3 months and are looking to get back into the swing of things.

One of the aspects I LOVE about being a Les Mills instructor is having the knowledge that the programs I teach are backed by solid and current scientific research and development. Les Mills puts countless hours into testing programs, designing workouts based on current exercise science principles, and bridges the gap between the physical AND mental nature of fitness. They put equal emphasis not only on the physical aspect of the workout but on the mental aspect as well...what keeps you coming back to class feeling energized and like you are getting results...it seriously often boils down to music selection and training their instructors to deliver the hallmark "fitness magic" which is the buzzword that described how we are guided to create a completely immersive experience for you.

Recently, Les Mills embarked on some research focusing on helping participants who are new to group exercise gain the confidence and skills to begin coming to classes and most importantly, building their fitness to keep returning and reaping the ultimate reward which is SIGNIFICANTLY improved health and fitness. I adore that this brand places such emphasis on affording you the proper tools and encouragement to be energized and successful on your fitness journey.

What came out of this research was a program dubbed the Smart Start program. I'd like to quote the following brief blog post from the Les Mills website regarding the development of the Smart Start program:

"This new year, thousands of well-meaning rookies will join gyms and fitness facilities with their resolutions at the ready.

By the end of 30 days, almost half of them will be back to square one, defeated, discouraged and no closer to a healthier life.

It turns out that fitness is just like any addiction - it all starts with a small dose. Too many people make the mistake of leaping into exercise when baby steps are what’s needed. Here are three key things to keep in mind:

• Start slow – Don’t push your body too soon, leave classes when things are feeling tough

• Build gradually – Aim towards staying for a full workout as your fitness builds

• Mix it up – Include a mix of strength, cardio and flexibility training

But don’t take our word for it, we’ve got the science to prove it.Get Fit Together, a study conducted by Pennsylvania State University, followed 25 sedentary adults through a 30-week program of LES MILLS™ Group Fitness classes including a mix of cardio, strength and flexibility.The group saw awesome results – so awesome that they extended their life spans by an average of 3.6 years. You can read more about the results of the study here.But the really interesting news was that over the 30 week study, 20 out of 25 study participants never missed a workout – a compliance rate of 98.8 per cent – almost unheard of in studies of this type.Despite each of these programs being highly engaging, the real key was the gradual way in which the exercisers adapted to their new routine. An initial six week period encouraged them to “dip their toes” into fitness before ramping up the intensity with a full six-day-a-week exercise schedule.So instead of being overwhelmed by it all, feeling sore from overworking unfit muscles and giving up, they actually enjoyed it."

For my local friends, you're in luck. If you are looking to get started with Les Mills group fitness programing, we offer just enough programs through the local club I teach at to fulfill the requirement for cardio, strength training, and flexibility. At Gainesville Health and Fitness you can find BodyCombat, BodyPump, and BodyFlow. I'm pretty sure I can speak for any instructor on our team that we would LOVE to chat with you about getting started in each class. Most of us teach several formats and are happy to chat with you before or after class to offer advise, form pointers, modifications, weight selections, and guide you through the program. We love to keep you accountable and have fun doing it! Some of my participants have become great friends not only with each other but you with me and I with you.

Ready to get started? Les Mills has created a fabulous guide to help you plan your workouts and track your progress. I've included them below or find the Smart Start guide here. 

So, what are you waiting for! There is no time like the present. Please don't hesitate to comment here or email me (thefirstrepblog@gmail.com) with any questions on how you can get started. I'd love to help reach all of your goals this year. You can do that and so much more by coming to classes. Improved fitness, check. Improved mental health, check. More confident in your appearance, you will be! New friends, absolutely!!! Can't wait to see you at class.

I have not been compensated or otherwise encouraged to promote my local health club or the Les Mills Smart Start program. Just a passionate Les Mills instructor sharing awesome tools with her participants and readers. 

On Becoming a Stay At Home Mom...Sort Of

Well, not really. Not exactly. The title of this post should really be "on becoming a more present and fulfilled mom and what that means to me...what does it mean to you?" but that title was entirely too long. I started another post and it ended up being almost 2 pages so far of what led me to this decision...it was practically a reflection on the past 15 years of my life and all of the decisions I've made, or didn't make, and how that has truly shaped where I stand today and the choices going into this decision. Honestly, none of that is important and can be left unsaid. The important piece is below... and I apologize in advance for the utter stream of consciousness this post will be. Sometimes just allowing the verbal explosion of thoughts is cathartic.

For the record, I should first state that the definition of "present and fulfilled mom" will be different for all of us. As it should be. And each definition should be held in the highest regard and respect. If for you that means you work 80+ hours a week and have a rock star nanny to help you with the kids...you rock. If that means you stay at home and do a daily developmental activity from scratch from Pinterest week in and week out, I admire you. Seriously. For many of us, our definition will fall somewhere in between. And it will be conflicted with what we think we should be doing, or can be doing, or what our mother's generation told us to do. Some of us will be constrained by finances or other roadblocks and we may not have the flexibility to make certain decisions (right now anyway) and some of us will enjoy flexibility to sort of figure it out as we go along. Currently, I'm fortunate enough to have some flexibility to take some risks and try some things on for size. Although, not without adjustment to our lifestyle and that is scary as hell.

Now to clarify, I am not becoming a stay at home mom in the strictest sense of the definition...at all really since a large part of this change still involves me being employed. Honestly, I admire those of you that can do it...I would go insane. I know my limits. I love my child (t-minus 3 weeks until I get to say children) but I know that to be the best mom I can be, they can't be my SOLE focus. But here's the thing, I want more than to go to work full time in a career I don't love, missing valuable time with my children, and wasting more time NOT pursuing other career goals that I have. Essentially I want it all. And after telling myself for far too long that I can't have it all or getting cold feet and being too scared to commit to the change, I'm going all in. I have Andrew's blessing and I'm cashing in my chips. For real this time.

After Connor was born I had this incredibly visceral, instinctual reaction that I needed to, and should, spend more time with him. Never once have I heard an elderly patient of mine saying "I wish I busted my ass at work more". It's always, "I should have spent more time focused on my family, it goes too fast". It was sickening to have to spend 40+ hours a week away from him. We love our sitter but I didn't have kids to have someone else raise them. That's just me. Again, if that's what works for you I'm not criticizing. In general, I get to spend maybe a solid 20 quality minutes with him in the morning and then a cranky two hours at night...most of which is spent commuting home, half-assedly interacting with him as I try to prepare dinner and ignore other to-do list items, try to play with him when he's at his worst (cranky and tired) only to have bath and bed time by 8pm sneak up on us. I see my kid on the weekends essentially.

My strong desire to be more present in his life is VERY conflicted with what for many years has been a strong need to feel professionally accomplished. I'm Type A. I'm a do-er, an overachiever, pretty solid academically, and motivated by achievement and recognition. I had a rocky start (ok only a semester but still) freshman year of college finding my footing in a major I could get behind and dedicate myself passionately too. After changing my major to Speech Pathology at the time, I thought I'd found it, and in a way I did. I love the field I ultimately chose at it's core. I loved the opportunity to combine my interest in science and healthcare with the ability to help people...improve lives, change lives. Unfortunately, it doesn't always work out like that. In fact, while there are certainly aspects I still love and that are very fulfilling, I've become more and more disillusioned with the politics and patients who just don't buy into the service you're providing. I can't put my finger on why. Often, I've tried to self reflect and consider that maybe it's my attitude. My heart isn't always 100% in it...but I try extremely hard to never bring that to work. At home I have a pity party about it but I always give 110% of myself to my patients because it's what the deserve. Still doesn't change that I'm ready to find fulfillment elsewhere as I've discovered new interests, passions, and priorities.

All of this is terrifying on several levels. Our peer network is mostly made up of professionals...I'm talking many of us hold advanced degrees. I don't know why, but I'm almost embarrassed to admit sometimes that my Master's doesn't define me. Actually, once upon a time I thought I wanted a million more letters after my name and then I just realized that that is all they are...letters. Those credentials can NOT be the only definition of you as a person or your accomplishments and worth. Impressive, sure. All of us put a ton of hard work and sacrifice into obtaining our educations and I'm a better person in many ways for it. But, if I don't choose to use my credentials in the strictest sense of the word...that has to be ok. I'm not going to obsess about being judged. Actually, I'm probably the only one judging me. I really need to nix that negative self talk when I fall into the trap of "what are people going to think about me...I have a Master's degree...they're going to be horrified that I'd in many ways give that up to spend time with my kids and teach people fitness". Honestly, if you think I'm wasting my life then that's on you. I'm finally (almost anyway) at peace with it. Money doesn't buy you happiness and neither do a bunch of letters after your last name. And if they do for you...then ok. Not judging. But that's your thing...this is how I'm at peace with finding fulfillment.

What is important to me at this point is striking a balance between being more present and involved in the raising of my kids and also setting an example that hard work and achievement are also good things. I grew up with two successful parents who worked full time. My brother and I are truly none worse the wear for it...in fact, I'm still not entirely sure how they worked so much and remained so present...it is possible. But I'm just not sure that I want to follow exactly the same model. There are other ways. It is very important to me that my Mom set an amazing example for me, as her daughter, on what it meant to be a professional woman who could balance achievement and family. But it came with sacrifice. She wasn't always able to be involved in certain things for my brother and I. She was often conflicted on how to manage immense pressures from the politics and work at her job (she was in healthcare too...toxic place healthcare is) with deciding when to say no and keep her focus on enjoying family and personal time. Watching her navigate these decisions taught me very valuable lessons. It also taught me that there are other ways which are equally admirable and correct. Ultimately, I hope to be on a path to more balance with being present for my family and demonstrating for my children that hard work, sacrifice, and using work to make a contribution to your family and society are all important and can be done in equal measure.

Here is the other piece that is terrifying...the financial aspect. This is probably my biggest hang up. Andrew and I were both extremely fortunate to have landed fairly solid, lucrative jobs in lucrative career fields right out of college. Neither of us held any real debt, student or otherwise, and we were almost immediately flush with cash and disposable income. While I've never really identified as overly "spendy", I typically didn't want for anything. If I wanted a nice new hand bag, I bought it. If Andrew wanted a new gadget, he got it. Wanted to head down to the condo in Cayman for 4 days...we bought plane tickets. Two week trip to see friends who live in Asia with stops in Vietnam and Dubai...$3k in plane tickets later...we were off! Not to mention we are able to save like crazy! And now... my cutting back to part-time or fewer hours is nearly cutting our income by half. Well not quite, but it feels close! Add on top of that the expenses of two kids and I'm sweating. This is very difficult and we are honestly not materialistic people. Yes we've enjoyed a few splurges but they certainly don't define us or are we desperate to have them. It's just stressful to go from disposable income to actually needing to pay attention to bills, stick to a budget, plan for purchases, and even avoid spending on things that can't be identified as a necessity. We've been over, and over, and over the numbers and it works...but not without planning. Thankfully, our only debt is our house and our new car payment so that helps, but let me tell you, those other expenditures add up...and they aren't necessarily bills we can cut in any significant way. (PS, I know it's a question I've had, and that many now have for me...and that is "how can this be done!"... I'll do another post soon on some basics of how we looked at our finances and lifestyle to plan for this change and decide we were able to try it. I'd actually like to chat more about this decision making process in that separate post so I'm going to leave it at that for now.)

Ultimately, scaling way back on my hours as a full time SLP (I'm talking like part time or less) not only affords me the opportunity to still have career and financial stability to support my family (since I'm not stopping work altogether) and score more time with my children...but it also allows me time that I would not otherwise have available to pursue efforts towards a goal which is to change my career entirely. I am very serious when I say that my 10 year plan is to switch gears and pursue a career in something health and fitness related...likely full time! I'm sure you're sick of hearing me mention that I love working with people to achieve their fitness goals and I very much envision working on education and credentials to be able to provide higher levels of training and education to these folks. Especially special populations such as geriatric clients or pre/post-natal clients. If there is one thing that I've learned in healthcare, it's that there is IMMENSE value in preventative action...healthy diet, physical activity, and mental and emotional health. I'd really life to be a part of that movement. It is incredibly motivating and energizing to me to get to "work" with people who are actually seeking out your services and dedicating themselves to your expertise. I've only scratched the surface a a group fitness instructor and I'm chomping at the bit to expand my influence. I also have a strong entrepreneurial spirit that I'd like to fuel and I potentially envision being able to provide these services in the form of my own business or studio. The time has come to carve out time to be able to focus on education and experience I need to make that happen. This seems like a win all around, I think.

Here's the ultimate take away. After a lot of soul searching, countless discussions with my husband on how we each view our roles and contributions to our family, timelines for our personal and professional goals, how we envision raising our children, and the general calculations of making sure we can keep our roof over our heads...we're going for it. I'm becoming a stay at home mom...sort of.

So tell me, have you made the decision to be a stay at home mom (or dad!) Have you stopped your work altogether, scaled back hours, switched gears, changed careers? What challenges did you face? What rewards are you experiencing? What was the hardest part of your decisions? I'd love to hear your experiences!