I feel really exposed writing this post for some reason. Probably because it's incredibly hard for me to acknowledge feeling out of control, disorganized, lacking focus, lacking follow through, and generally feeling flaky about life in general. It's terrifying, embarrassing, and stressful to finally admit that I don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

Let me jump to the point. I'd like to own my own business someday. Like a real, legitimate, brick and mortar business. A fitness studio to be exact. This is my happy place. I've said that a million times. I love seeing my patients as an SLP and the amazing colleagues I have made in the process. Many aspects of the field challenge me and hold my interest for personal fulfillment, for sure. BUT, big picture...long term...I want to call my own shots, create something for myself, make my own schedule, empower people who might also want to come along on that ride. I want to help people achieve wellness in another way.

The problem is...it's HARD. I'm not fearful of the WORK...the hard part is getting started. Setting concrete goals and slowly chipping away. It's the proverbial "long game" and I have no patience. Also, you need CASH. Gobs and gobs of cash. I'd love to think my acre plus of property has some money trees out back but...no. I'd also love to be independently wealthy or have a trust fund to tap for a loan but...no. I'm going to be on the hook for the investment in a venture like this and honestly, there is no timeline. Andrew (god love him) and I talk about this frequently. Last week, we were chatting about when will we know that we have the money to invest. Again, in his ever present wisdom he encouraged me to begin setting some real tangible goals. He suggested we open an account (hopefully something interest bearing to help my money grow) and slowly begin making deposits here and there as we are able with some extra income. Hmm extra income... I just went part-time. Not exactly a whole-lotta extra income floating around right now. In my intense desire to "have it all" I've tried my hand at some other businesses that required a lot less start up investment...and they've been great! I'd never represent products I don't use or believe in...but honestly, the payout hasn't been worth the time and the amount of time I generally need to put into developing those businesses into being fruitful enough to offer me a flexible way to invest that income in my ultimate goal...ultimately detracts from the time I need to be spending on working on my actual goal! Does that make sense? I'll be completely honest...my desire to "get rich quick" so I can realize my dream is enticing. But it's time to refocus. Because I use this blog as a platform for accountability (if you put it out there maybe it tempers the tendency to be flaky!) here's what I would ultimately like to achieve:

Continue to expand my involvement with the Les Mills brand. I'm going to begin attending advanced trainings this year, called AIM modules, in an effort to achieve a pie in the sky dream to become a national trainer/presenter.

Continue blogging. I love this as an outlet and because my goals are relevant to the purpose of this blog, this might be a good platform for me to stay organized, accountable, and continue the conversations I love to have about health, wellness, and a more fulfilling life.

Open a fitness studio. For about a year I've been in some talks with some franchise brands including barre workouts and group fitness studios, vs. going out on my own with my own concept. I've even done some showings with a real estate agent for studio space. And then the reality of the enormity of the investment set in...and that I didn't have the cash to pony up right now...so we put things on hold. I need to spend some time honing in on the type of studio I'd ultimately like to open.

Finally, I can't lose sight of my most important priority right now...and that's my family. The whole point of dialing back on my full time work was to spend more time with the boys while they are young. I'm just addicted to working and being busy! Again, I just deeply desire to do it my way, in something I'm truly passionate about, calling my own shots, making my own schedule, and creating something I can be proud of. The goal has never been NOT to work. I just want to do something I can be 110% invested in and show them that not only can you be successful by getting an education and a successful career...but you can crush a dream by building something for yourself, working hard for it, sustaining it, and still be present and fulfilled in life on your own terms.

So, what's standing in my way? Me. I recently heard a quote that says "if you chase two rabbits...you'll lose them both". This hit me like a ton of bricks. This is exactly my problem. Awhile back, my father looked at me and said, "Catie, you have too many minds". He LOVES this reference from the movie from The Last Samurai. This was advice offered by a tutor when Tom Cruise's character is not succeeding at learning the art of sword fighting. The reference here is that the character is too distracted and lacking focus therefore putting him at risk of not truly achieving excellence. Hmmm....guilty.

How am I going to fix this? This morning, it dawned on me that I really need to focus on being more present. Last night, Connor was trying to get my attention and I had my nose in my phone trying to message some customers from one of my business ventures back. Andrew and I often speak about how we are a little too caught up in tech at the inappropriate times sometimes. I've actually decided to scale back like 95% of my social media use for a few weeks. I need to get off of Facebook and rejoin my life! There are too many distractions on Facebook, too much noise for me about business opportunities I want to pursue that aren't bearing fruit, too much sharing, too much comparing...I'm tired. I won't be gone COMPLETELY only because I do follow a few things on FB that I use as reference...it is a good forum for a few things! Also, for some people in my life, it is a primary means of staying in touch via messaging so I will be accessing it from time to time for those reasons. I will also keep blogging as I mentioned above and I do like to share those posts so I'll post to my wall when I publish something new...otherwise, adios for a few weeks. I'm really excited to take this challenge.

When I'm not spending this newfound time focusing on the kiddos and my husband, family, and friends...I'm going to work on a vision board and develop some goal setting tools for myself to achieve what I outlined. I'm working on creating a little office space in my guest room so I have a little nook to "work". I'll also be focusing more on keeping up around the house, our families fitness and nutrition, and spending some time connecting more personally with friends near and far. I'm EXCEEDINGLY bad at that...like miserable how-do-I-even-have-friends-left bad. I just don't do long distance :( It's interesting, those relationships are either easy breezy to maintain or incredible amounts of work...but that's another topic for another time, maybe.

So, here's to clarity, focus, and fulfillment...and crushing your goals and dreams! Chase one rabbit...have one mind.

What are your big scary goals? Have you achieved them yet? What is your plan? How have you refocused your life and other priorities to balance your goals with other important responsibilities? Do you identify with falling victim to being all over the place when it comes to what you pursue? Tell me I'm not alone and share some motivation!

Five Ways To Be Happier Today

I am notorious for putting pressure on myself and just generally being pessimistic. It makes me cringe to admit that since I like to think I'm a generally optimistic person. I'll tell you whose optimistic, my husband...Andrew. Ha, it's almost sickening sometimes (and I mean that lovingly). I would LOVE a pair of his rose colored classes but alas, I think he possesses the only model ever made. Seriously, it's not a "being naive" thing for him. He truly is always able to see the silver lining. In a way we balance each other because I tend to bring the healthy dose of reality and he injects just enough hope to make all of our dreams seem possible. Though I'm typically able to see the bright side, it's not before heading down the "how catastrophic can this situation get" path calculating and planning for all the bad things that can happen, preemptively determining course corrections, etc. I very much buy into the, "I'd rather be prepared for the worst than hope for the best" approach. Not that there isn't some inherent value in that, but by and large, I really have room to look on the bright side much more often than I do.

I frequently challenge myself to do this and have placed special focus on this mindset recently, especially since little life stressors seem to be stacking up. We've been making some big decisions and changes in careers and finances, and we're about to have a second child. I was getting myself down, big time. Obsessing. I know I've gone over the edge when Andrew looks at me and asks how many hamsters I'm slaying in my head. I guess I get a "look" in my eye and sort of zone out and he says he can see the hamster wheel turning as I over think things...and not in a good way. Apparently I give hamsters on my little brain wheel heart attacks. Oops.

So, in an effort to be more positive, and in turn happier, I spent some time reflecting the past few days on what I would offer as my five most important tips for being more upbeat. I think it's a pretty solid list and one I know has helped me turn my internal chatter around to a more positive place. 

Forgive

This is a big one. And the hardest. So worth mentioning first. If at all possible, really train yourself to exercise forgiveness. The past few months I have been hurt and disappointed by colleagues, family, and friends. And that's ok. Truly it is...it's life and it will happen virtually every day. (God knows how many people I disappoint on a daily basis. If you're reading this and I've wronged you, my heartfelt apologies! Please let me know if we need to talk it out or hug it out.) Thankfully, I don't think any of the transgressions I've been subject to have been direct or malicious, at all, but they still slice. Some have quite frankly pissed me off. I may have even shed a tear or two (pregnancy hormones, ha!) But you know what, hanging on to the hurt or disappointment is toxic. I was telling Andrew recently that I wish forgiveness came a little more naturally to me. I think it's because I tend to overanalyze situations...I'm always seeking out answers and the "why". I believe that makes me tend to hold on to things because I like closure, justice, and discussion and planning on how these things can be avoided in the future. But you know what, that's not real life...and not even necessarily worth it. Honestly, many times it's better to just let things go. You can be pissed for 5 minutes, punch a wall, bawl your eyes out for an evening...but then do yourself the biggest favor you can and move on. Sometimes, if it's possible and appropriate, you can share your feelings with the party involved and hash it out a little but mostly, it's better to just let it go. Until you try it I can't really illustrate how liberating and good it can feel. I think this quote from motivational speaker Wayne Dyer sums it up:

"Forgiveness is the most powerful thing that you can do for your physiology and spirituality. Yet, It remains one of the least attractive things to us, largely because our egos rule so unequivocally. To forgive is somehow associated with saying that it is all right, that we accept the evil deed. But this is not forgiveness, Forgiveness means that you fill yourself with love and you radiate that love outward and refuse to hang on to the venom or hatred that was engendered by the behaviors that caused the wounds."

And if nothing more, at the end of the day...I just don't have time to be mad. And I love my friends, my family, and everyone else that comes into my life more than to allow stupid little transgressions become irreparable catastrophes.  

Trust Your Guts
This one is particularly important to me, and something I used to be good at. Interestingly, as I get older, I find myself trusting myself less and less. I used to be a go-getter, a risk taker (albeit calculated), and generally fearless. I wasn't base jumping or dabbling in illegal drugs...but I was putting myself out there in relationships, school, and career. I've never been afraid of failure or to try new things. I always approach things with a healthy dose of reality but if I wanted something, I generally went after it. Maybe I just have more on the line these days. I'm no longer responsible for just myself. I have a husband, children...a family to consider. Still, I'm trying hard to reconnect with that sense of adventure and gusto that I once possessed. Consequences of my decisions scare me a lot more now since there is so much more riding on their successes and failures. The other day I discussed some changes I'm making in regards to my career and role in my family. This terrifies me. I know it's the right decision but that doesn't prevent me from talking myself out of it on an almost daily basis. Right before writing that post I was talking to Andrew and it was sort of the final stake in the ground...I'm doing this. We're doing this. It's decided. Trust your guts. So maybe you can challenge yourself to do the same. If you've been waffling over life decisions, large or small, challenge yourself to make a decision and stick to it. Trust your instincts. In the grand scheme of things they've rarely led me wrong.

See the Positive Side

This one is pretty simple. Switch the script in your mind. Just do it. Change the negative that you say into something positive. I'll give you a good example. Lately, I've been obsessing that Connor seems to come home from the sitter (who he pretty much goes to full time until recently) in a terrible mood. Not that he is poorly cared for there or having a bad experience, he's just worn out from fun with little friends and all of the activity. As I mentioned in a previous post, I often feel like I see him at his worst on weekdays. Until recently, I was working full time and felt like our interactions were extremely limited on weekdays and when I did get the opportunity to spend a few quality minutes with him in the evenings, he was tired, cranky, whiney, hungry, and exercising his right as an 18 month old to throw tantrums. I complained to Andrew about this and he said that rather than focus on how unfortunate that is 5 days a week, he savors the weekends where we have two full days with a smiling, happy, adventurous boy that we get to enjoy taking to the park, playing with the dogs, hanging around the house, and otherwise finding adventures to get into. Touche. In a nutshell, I'm a master at identifying what is going wrong or what can be better...I need to practice identifying all of the things that are going right and focus on that.

Challenge Yourself 

This is sort of an extension to my "trust your guts" tip. For me, personally, I generally find happiness in a challenge. Nothing necessarily insurmountable, but I gain a lot of personal satisfaction from achievement. I'm never really competing against anyone else except myself, but there is something about being able to say, "hey! I did it!" that feels pretty amazing. Of course, this type of activity can be an incredible form of stress so I really try to evaluate the projects or goals I am taking on and pair them down into more realistic and manageable pieces. I tend to dream HUGE so this can be difficult...but it is possible. Lately, I've identified that I would gain immense happiness and satisfaction if I take some of the new found flexibility I have in my schedule to focus on some additional fitness certification goals including more Les Mills certifications, my AFAA and ACE certifications, and possible even my personal training certification this year. While these goals take work and some sacrifice of time to achieve and are challenging both physically and mentally, they aren't so huge that achievement can't be tasted. I'm going for it! So what about yourself? Maybe your challenge is similar. Maybe you want to get through a stack of unread novels to carve out a little personal time. Maybe you're gunning for a promotion at work? What challenge can you pose to yourself that would bring you greater happiness?

Find Something You Love and Do It!
Everyone needs a hobby. This is especially important for all of my parent friends out there. Andrew and I have discussed at LENGTH that it is important and healthy for us to keep our personal identities and identity within our marriage in addition to our kids. Don't get us wrong, we love our child(ren) (<-- 3 weeks!) but we just won't let the world revolve around them. Each maintaining our own hobbies not only sets examples for our kids and perhaps even gives them something to participate in with us in the future, but it affords us the opportunity to unwind, recharge, have something interesting to talk about with one another, and keep our minds active. For me, my hobby has really becoming health and fitness, both leading classes and blogging about it. I have a million other things I'd like to do to but this, and getting into the occasional good book, is about all I have time to focus on right now so I'll immerse myself in these areas as time permits. For the record, I should state that if you sit back and allow time to "permit" it will never happen...so I rephrase and say, make a conscious effort to carve out some time as well. Literally schedule it. I try to work on blogging during Connor's nap time for example. Set aside an hour and savor something you enjoy.

So, while many of these "tips" are personal to my life and experiences, I hope you gained something valuable that you can identify with as well. I posed several questions throughout my post and would love to hear your thoughts in the comments section. Let me know all of the ways that you try to find some happiness in your life. How do you struggle? How do you succeed? Also, I read a book called The Happiness Project last summer. I loved it! While I just don't have the mental fortitude this year to conduct my own "happiness project" the book had some great take-aways and I know there are many individuals out there, bloggers and non-bloggers alike, who have taken this journey. The author, Gretchen Rubin, has a great website as well if you'd like to take a look.

I mention the book The Happiness Project because I thought it was relevant to this post. I have no relationship with the author or publisher and have not been compensated for mention of the book or website. I purchased the book myself and found it valuable and a good read so wanted to mention it as a resource here. I have included an affiliate link to my Amazon shop if you'd like to purchase the book. I get a small commission for it's purchase at no additional cost to you. I use the Amazon Affiliate program to generate commissions to support the maintenance of this blog :) Thanks!

On Becoming a Stay At Home Mom...Sort Of

Well, not really. Not exactly. The title of this post should really be "on becoming a more present and fulfilled mom and what that means to me...what does it mean to you?" but that title was entirely too long. I started another post and it ended up being almost 2 pages so far of what led me to this decision...it was practically a reflection on the past 15 years of my life and all of the decisions I've made, or didn't make, and how that has truly shaped where I stand today and the choices going into this decision. Honestly, none of that is important and can be left unsaid. The important piece is below... and I apologize in advance for the utter stream of consciousness this post will be. Sometimes just allowing the verbal explosion of thoughts is cathartic.

For the record, I should first state that the definition of "present and fulfilled mom" will be different for all of us. As it should be. And each definition should be held in the highest regard and respect. If for you that means you work 80+ hours a week and have a rock star nanny to help you with the kids...you rock. If that means you stay at home and do a daily developmental activity from scratch from Pinterest week in and week out, I admire you. Seriously. For many of us, our definition will fall somewhere in between. And it will be conflicted with what we think we should be doing, or can be doing, or what our mother's generation told us to do. Some of us will be constrained by finances or other roadblocks and we may not have the flexibility to make certain decisions (right now anyway) and some of us will enjoy flexibility to sort of figure it out as we go along. Currently, I'm fortunate enough to have some flexibility to take some risks and try some things on for size. Although, not without adjustment to our lifestyle and that is scary as hell.

Now to clarify, I am not becoming a stay at home mom in the strictest sense of the definition...at all really since a large part of this change still involves me being employed. Honestly, I admire those of you that can do it...I would go insane. I know my limits. I love my child (t-minus 3 weeks until I get to say children) but I know that to be the best mom I can be, they can't be my SOLE focus. But here's the thing, I want more than to go to work full time in a career I don't love, missing valuable time with my children, and wasting more time NOT pursuing other career goals that I have. Essentially I want it all. And after telling myself for far too long that I can't have it all or getting cold feet and being too scared to commit to the change, I'm going all in. I have Andrew's blessing and I'm cashing in my chips. For real this time.

After Connor was born I had this incredibly visceral, instinctual reaction that I needed to, and should, spend more time with him. Never once have I heard an elderly patient of mine saying "I wish I busted my ass at work more". It's always, "I should have spent more time focused on my family, it goes too fast". It was sickening to have to spend 40+ hours a week away from him. We love our sitter but I didn't have kids to have someone else raise them. That's just me. Again, if that's what works for you I'm not criticizing. In general, I get to spend maybe a solid 20 quality minutes with him in the morning and then a cranky two hours at night...most of which is spent commuting home, half-assedly interacting with him as I try to prepare dinner and ignore other to-do list items, try to play with him when he's at his worst (cranky and tired) only to have bath and bed time by 8pm sneak up on us. I see my kid on the weekends essentially.

My strong desire to be more present in his life is VERY conflicted with what for many years has been a strong need to feel professionally accomplished. I'm Type A. I'm a do-er, an overachiever, pretty solid academically, and motivated by achievement and recognition. I had a rocky start (ok only a semester but still) freshman year of college finding my footing in a major I could get behind and dedicate myself passionately too. After changing my major to Speech Pathology at the time, I thought I'd found it, and in a way I did. I love the field I ultimately chose at it's core. I loved the opportunity to combine my interest in science and healthcare with the ability to help people...improve lives, change lives. Unfortunately, it doesn't always work out like that. In fact, while there are certainly aspects I still love and that are very fulfilling, I've become more and more disillusioned with the politics and patients who just don't buy into the service you're providing. I can't put my finger on why. Often, I've tried to self reflect and consider that maybe it's my attitude. My heart isn't always 100% in it...but I try extremely hard to never bring that to work. At home I have a pity party about it but I always give 110% of myself to my patients because it's what the deserve. Still doesn't change that I'm ready to find fulfillment elsewhere as I've discovered new interests, passions, and priorities.

All of this is terrifying on several levels. Our peer network is mostly made up of professionals...I'm talking many of us hold advanced degrees. I don't know why, but I'm almost embarrassed to admit sometimes that my Master's doesn't define me. Actually, once upon a time I thought I wanted a million more letters after my name and then I just realized that that is all they are...letters. Those credentials can NOT be the only definition of you as a person or your accomplishments and worth. Impressive, sure. All of us put a ton of hard work and sacrifice into obtaining our educations and I'm a better person in many ways for it. But, if I don't choose to use my credentials in the strictest sense of the word...that has to be ok. I'm not going to obsess about being judged. Actually, I'm probably the only one judging me. I really need to nix that negative self talk when I fall into the trap of "what are people going to think about me...I have a Master's degree...they're going to be horrified that I'd in many ways give that up to spend time with my kids and teach people fitness". Honestly, if you think I'm wasting my life then that's on you. I'm finally (almost anyway) at peace with it. Money doesn't buy you happiness and neither do a bunch of letters after your last name. And if they do for you...then ok. Not judging. But that's your thing...this is how I'm at peace with finding fulfillment.

What is important to me at this point is striking a balance between being more present and involved in the raising of my kids and also setting an example that hard work and achievement are also good things. I grew up with two successful parents who worked full time. My brother and I are truly none worse the wear for it...in fact, I'm still not entirely sure how they worked so much and remained so present...it is possible. But I'm just not sure that I want to follow exactly the same model. There are other ways. It is very important to me that my Mom set an amazing example for me, as her daughter, on what it meant to be a professional woman who could balance achievement and family. But it came with sacrifice. She wasn't always able to be involved in certain things for my brother and I. She was often conflicted on how to manage immense pressures from the politics and work at her job (she was in healthcare too...toxic place healthcare is) with deciding when to say no and keep her focus on enjoying family and personal time. Watching her navigate these decisions taught me very valuable lessons. It also taught me that there are other ways which are equally admirable and correct. Ultimately, I hope to be on a path to more balance with being present for my family and demonstrating for my children that hard work, sacrifice, and using work to make a contribution to your family and society are all important and can be done in equal measure.

Here is the other piece that is terrifying...the financial aspect. This is probably my biggest hang up. Andrew and I were both extremely fortunate to have landed fairly solid, lucrative jobs in lucrative career fields right out of college. Neither of us held any real debt, student or otherwise, and we were almost immediately flush with cash and disposable income. While I've never really identified as overly "spendy", I typically didn't want for anything. If I wanted a nice new hand bag, I bought it. If Andrew wanted a new gadget, he got it. Wanted to head down to the condo in Cayman for 4 days...we bought plane tickets. Two week trip to see friends who live in Asia with stops in Vietnam and Dubai...$3k in plane tickets later...we were off! Not to mention we are able to save like crazy! And now... my cutting back to part-time or fewer hours is nearly cutting our income by half. Well not quite, but it feels close! Add on top of that the expenses of two kids and I'm sweating. This is very difficult and we are honestly not materialistic people. Yes we've enjoyed a few splurges but they certainly don't define us or are we desperate to have them. It's just stressful to go from disposable income to actually needing to pay attention to bills, stick to a budget, plan for purchases, and even avoid spending on things that can't be identified as a necessity. We've been over, and over, and over the numbers and it works...but not without planning. Thankfully, our only debt is our house and our new car payment so that helps, but let me tell you, those other expenditures add up...and they aren't necessarily bills we can cut in any significant way. (PS, I know it's a question I've had, and that many now have for me...and that is "how can this be done!"... I'll do another post soon on some basics of how we looked at our finances and lifestyle to plan for this change and decide we were able to try it. I'd actually like to chat more about this decision making process in that separate post so I'm going to leave it at that for now.)

Ultimately, scaling way back on my hours as a full time SLP (I'm talking like part time or less) not only affords me the opportunity to still have career and financial stability to support my family (since I'm not stopping work altogether) and score more time with my children...but it also allows me time that I would not otherwise have available to pursue efforts towards a goal which is to change my career entirely. I am very serious when I say that my 10 year plan is to switch gears and pursue a career in something health and fitness related...likely full time! I'm sure you're sick of hearing me mention that I love working with people to achieve their fitness goals and I very much envision working on education and credentials to be able to provide higher levels of training and education to these folks. Especially special populations such as geriatric clients or pre/post-natal clients. If there is one thing that I've learned in healthcare, it's that there is IMMENSE value in preventative action...healthy diet, physical activity, and mental and emotional health. I'd really life to be a part of that movement. It is incredibly motivating and energizing to me to get to "work" with people who are actually seeking out your services and dedicating themselves to your expertise. I've only scratched the surface a a group fitness instructor and I'm chomping at the bit to expand my influence. I also have a strong entrepreneurial spirit that I'd like to fuel and I potentially envision being able to provide these services in the form of my own business or studio. The time has come to carve out time to be able to focus on education and experience I need to make that happen. This seems like a win all around, I think.

Here's the ultimate take away. After a lot of soul searching, countless discussions with my husband on how we each view our roles and contributions to our family, timelines for our personal and professional goals, how we envision raising our children, and the general calculations of making sure we can keep our roof over our heads...we're going for it. I'm becoming a stay at home mom...sort of.

So tell me, have you made the decision to be a stay at home mom (or dad!) Have you stopped your work altogether, scaled back hours, switched gears, changed careers? What challenges did you face? What rewards are you experiencing? What was the hardest part of your decisions? I'd love to hear your experiences! 

Changes

I must have started a post on the following points 3 different times tonight. There is A LOT I want to say about the decision making process that has gone into each of these things. After many discussions with the worlds most supportive husband, desperate prayer, and cold feet nearly every five minutes (I swear I change my mind on these things almost daily)...I have finally accepted that deep down in my gut and in my heart these decisions are worth committing too. What is it they say...to get big rewards you have to take big risks? While I'm not sure any of these things qualify as "big risks" they are definitely outside of my comfort zone.

Anyway, because I have flip-flopped more than a bad politician on committing to some of these goals and decisions, I'm officially putting them out there to remain accountable to myself and my goals for family and personal fulfillment. I have a great cheering squad led by my fantastic husband and all my chips are in. Pray for me in 2015...I'm already excited, scared, challenged, unsure, energized, fearful, and triumphant. I'm using the impending birth of our slightly unexpected new addition to begin to turn over a new leaf completely. I live by the band-aide rule...generally. I'm a big proponent of just ripping it off. Put your big girl panties on and take some risks. Time to put my money where my mouth is. 

Here's what I'm up to:

I'm (OFFICIALLY THIS TIME) no longer working as a full time Speech Pathologist. I will be working essentially part-time hours most weeks as a per diem therapist. Money and titles are not all they are cracked up to be and I've never been overly passionate about my career choice. I often just have to tell myself I am to survive another day. I'm done with management and healthcare in general. The only thing that keeps me energized are amazing co-workers (I've generally lucked out here) and the occasional patient who worships the ground you walk on...most of the rest don't seem to care about what I can do for them. I've said a million and one times that the most fulfilling hours of my week are when I get feedback from my group fitness participants. You are all so generous in telling me that I've made a positive impact in your lives. Truly brings me to my knees in gratitude. It's amazing how leading a simple group fitness class can change someones life for the better. I have RARELY received that fulfillment or felt like I've been able to make that impact with patients I've worked with. Go figure.

I will be spending more time as a hands on mom with my boys. I'm excited to try new activities with them and be able to participate in activities that other moms and kiddos are doing during the day that I haven't been able to participate in such as music classes, play groups, and creative endeavors. 

I will be pursuing my personal training certification as well as some additional group exercise certifications. In doing so, I hope to add more classes to my roster and hopefully take on some personal training clients by years end. I plan to continue to slowly transition to a career in health and wellness. I would love to begin working more closely with special populations with a special focus on pre and post natal fitness which has become a true passion of mine. My long term goal is to own my own fitness studio or training center...we're talking 10 year plan here...so 2015 marks the moment when I will begin to take some serious steps towards educating myself in all aspects of the field. I hope to find opportunities where I can continue to learn about business and marketing as well. I have discovered I have an entrepreneurial spirit and it's really a long game to find success...so time to fuel the fire.

Finally, I would love to continue to grow my blog and health coaching business to support these goals. I'm looking forward to building a community here and participating more in the online health and fitness blogging community at large. I would love to parlay the work I do on my personal blog into potential local or national opportunities for writing or contributing health and wellness material to various publications, initiatives, events, etc. 

I'm so excited and so fortunate to be able to have the flexibility to try this on for size. The most important aspect is that, while many of these goals will keep me busy, this approach affords me the opportunity to have more flexibility to be present and involved with my kids which is paramount to me. I didn't realize how important that would be to me until I had Connor. I still want to feel fulfilled and make a contribution but family comes first right now.

So, pray for me! While I'm terrified, I have a feeling 2015 is going to be an amazing and eye opening year. I'll share more about what led me to these decisions over the next several weeks...not that I'm so delusional as to think you're actually interested...mostly because the posts I have started about it are sort of cathartic for me and have helped me officially process and accept these challenges and decisions. And, they may help you too. I know for me, it's nice to hear about what makes someone else tick or to hear about how they reached certain decisions. Many times there is camaraderie in knowing someone is going through a similar decision making process as you and we can receive energy, ideas, and reassurance from their story. So maybe mind will help you. 

Now, tell me. What BIG scary decisions are you making this year? Have you ever taken a big risk? Especially when it comes to career or family or both? I'd love to hear your story! More to come about mine soon.